It's been seven days...

...since he stopped going out of his room.

Eating wise he's alright. Not eating as much as before, but still reasonable. His gum sores are 95% gone, though right side still hurts a bit. He can chew on softer meat/fish dishes already. He's now eating 3 main meals and a light snack in the afternoon.

He claims that his right thigh is 'sng' and he has not enough strength to go downstairs. But bro suggested to piggy-back him down on Sunday and he refused. Told him he had to at least walk around his room, or out to the study area, to exercise his legs so they'll strengthen. He just simply 'ok ok' when mum and I told suggested, but never did leave his recliner except for the loo.

His cough seems to hv worsen a little. He doesn't cough all the time, but whenever he coughs, it's so bad that he gags. Feels so painful and helpless whenever we see him cough. All I could do is ask him to take the cough syrup, but it's not helping much though.

but what worries me most is his silence. The usual smile is missing from his face, instead i see despair. I'm not sure if we made the right decision to let him try Tarceva. But I'm very sure he's resentful about the serious side effects that it has caused him. It must have been really terrible for him to feel this way. I'm feeling really bad about it. I dunno what to say to him, cant even bring myself to make small talks with him. I'm so afraid my emotions will overwhelm me when I start talking to him. All I could do is to stay around the study area outside his room. Be ready when he needs me.

昨天爸的老朋友，阿良，打电话告诉他自己患了喉癌。妈说他们聊了蛮久的。谈话间爸说，＂哎呀，现在能闭上眼睛就这么走了最好，那么受罪拖着有什么意思？＂

今早阿良又打电话来了，我又听爸说了同样的那句话。我脑子空白了。。。。

当游戏不再是游戏，而是一种麻醉和逃避。。。。

子倔母忧

为什么每次孩子犯错，道歉和担忧的反而是我呢？

昨晚上床后，老二才如梦初醒，突然爬起身要求我写封信给级任老师！？原来前天上数学课时他分心了，在课堂上给曲棍球画记号，结果球被没收了，所以需要家长写信索回。唉。。。

今早临上车前，他又突然想起什么似的，冲上楼去，一会儿又两手空空地下来。上车后才知道他找不着数学课本，肯定又要挨老师训话了！

伤神啊！

Just when I thot he's getting better...

he seems to be weaker again today.

After 3 days without food, finally Dad managed to eat something on Monday night. Yesterday he could also eat some oats for breakfast and some kway teow soup for lunch and dinner. But this morning he looked so weak, he didn't even want to go downstairs.

Wati cooked a bowl of oats for him and he finished it. But he still looked so lethargic, resting/sleeping on his recliner chair. He's not running a fever, and he just said he's tired.

I really dunno what's wrong with him. Gonna observe him this afternoon to see how. sigh...

Kids' new 'pet'

Caught a small grasshopper in the garden for the boys. Now they're keeping it like a pet! It was about 1.5cm when I caught it 2 days ago, then it shedded it's 'skin' yesterday and it looked bigger now.

We kept it in a jam jar, with perforated paper cover. Matt is giving it fresh cut grass every 3 days. Hopefully it'll grow well and perhaps we'll release it into the park when it gets bigger.

sore gums, mouth and throat

seems like Dad's gum and mouth sores are getting worse. His throat is so sore, he finds it painful even swallowing water. He hasn't been eating much since last evening. Skipped dinner totally.

This morning cooked oats for him, but in the end he didn't even touched it. Only drank half a cup of coffee. Even his usually high intake of water has reduced quite a lot. He's sipping little bit here and there. He feels pain even when he talks, so he's been gesturing to mum to do things for him.

Lunch cooked kway teow soup and again he didn't eat. Checked his blood sugar and it was 4.6, so I coaxed him to drink half a cup of Fruitree apple juice, just to maintain his blood sugar. His cheeks and nose also looks raw with rashes. Already his skin is flaky, now it's getting worse.

Mum bought a bowl of tau-huay back after lunch and managed to get him to eat half bowl. But he skipped dinner again. Looking at him makes me feel his pain. There's really nothing I can do for him. Just had to wait for these side effects to subside.

Will probably talk to his oncologist again next week and perhaps should stop the Tarceva totally. It's not helping much with his panting and water retention. Instead it's adding more pain to him. I hate to see him suffer like that. I'd rather he pant a bit, but still can enjoy his favourite food. When one cant eat or drink, you'll start to lose faith in life. No, I dun want him to give up yet. I cant afford to lose him yet. Noooooooooooo...................

Diarrhea and ulcers

Dad had about 9 times of diarrhea since late yesterday afternoon. His mouth and gums hv started having ulcers and sore too. So I brought him back to NCC's walk-in clinic.

He was checked by a young doctor who simply said there isn't any ulcers in his mouth YET, and he doesn't look dehydrated. So there's no cause for alarm, and that he should just continue on Tarceva and take the anti-diarrhea medicine as prescribed. But I was not convinced and insisted that he check with the senior oncologist. It was then that he called and senior oncologist and checked. Finally came back and said to stop Tarceva for 2 days, let the diarrhea subside before continuing again. He also gave a solution for Dad to gargle his mouth to reduce the ulcers.

Sis went with us. She felt that I was a bit 'unreasonable' when I insisted that the young doctor checked with the senior oncologist. But I felt that we are the patient's family and we know exactly how he's doing throughout the day. How can the doctor just based on how he looked physically and say that he's fine? Does he think I've nothing better to do then to keep sending my dad to the hospital? Moreover the senior oncologist did mention that we shd come back if Dad has diarrhea more than 4 times in a day.

Anyway, I dun care what others may think of me or my attitude when it concerns Dad's illness. I just want to make sure he's feeling ok and not in too much discomfort. That's all I care about.

btw, I'm born with this pair of fierce eyes. Not my choice. And it is the voluntary muscles that raise my brows and make my eyes even bigger. I'm not fierce nor rude, but just the look which is not within my control. I wish I hv Sandy Lam's eyes lor. Then pple will stop judging me based on my looks lor. sigh....

'love' notes

Just sharing.

Nic left a self-made 'envelope' on my bedside table last Thu night. I didn't realise there was a note inside until Sunday!


I recalled he was lying on the floor beside me, kind of restless, while I was monitoring his brothers finishing off their homework that night. This terrible mummy didn't even realise that he was already not feeling well.

The next morning he woke up with a high fever and was down with sore throat. His throat subsequently developed 2 ulcers! Poor boy was on 4 days MC and only went back to school today.

This taught me a lesson. Must always read little notes they leave for me immediately in future. They may be telling me something which needs immediate attention.

Mild temperature, still panting

Today is the 6th day Dad's been on Tarceva. So far side effects been minimal, though he's got some rashes on his face. Diarrhea only set in today, once only. He's running a mild temperature though. Measured at 37.3 this morning, then 38 around noon and now back to 37.9, and I've just given him a panadol.

He is still panting, but he said it's much better than over the weekend. Based on what he described, over the weekend, it was really like couldn't catch his breath at all, like anytime he'd just stop breathing. Thankfully it has gotten slightly better. Now he'll pant, but once he's rested, it'll be better and he doesn't feel so bloated too. Hopefully it's the Tarceva taking effect and helping a little with the lymphatic drainage. A good sign for now.

28 Jul - poor boy had severe migraine and had to be sent home shortly after reaching school. Fetched him and went direct to the clinic. He's still behaving like a bb sometimes. Insisted on lying on my lap while waiting outside the clinic! can you imagine a 1.58m boy lying on his mum's lap? cute right?

31 Jul - our xiaobudian came down with high fever and sore throat. Thankfully doc said it shd not be H1N1 as he didn't have any flu symptoms. He was really cute. Doc told him to stay away from grandpa and he really hid himself in the study room for most of the day. Though he was complaining about boredom whenever he's awake. haha...hope he'll recover soon.

31 Jul late night - on the way to the kitchen, noticed this on the tv console. So touching! The creation of our most compassionate Matt. Grandpa was really touched and happy when he saw it the next morning.

I love you, my boys.