一直那么喘，有一天会这么喘着喘着就走了！

今早老爸还是那么喘，看他样子好像有点沮丧。他说晚上睡也睡不好，起床上厕所也喘，一咳嗽就喘到不能躺下。他有点不耐烦地说：＂一直那么喘，有一天会这么喘着喘着就走了！＂听他那么说，我眼泪就要流出来了。。。

强忍泪水，我只能跟他说：＂别乱想了，这新药才开始吃，等一、两个星期看会好转些吗。＂

I feel so helpless. what else can I do for him?

必须面对的事

中午送车子去打蜡，顺便叫了四姐出来吃午饭。

我们聊了很多爸的事。最近爸的病情似乎不是很稳定，这几天好像更糟似的。不懂他自己是不是感觉到什么，最近老有跟妈和我提到一些他往生后该做的琐事。这些令我很心酸，但也让我严肃地想了一些该预先做好的准备。

1. 以爸现在的情形，肺积水会使他很容易感染病菌，一旦变成肺炎就很有可能恶化得很快。九年前我家婆就是在短短的三天内让肺炎夺走了性命。对老人和长期病人而言，肺炎可算是一号刽子手！

我们需要做好心理准备，如果他出现休克而需要插管靠氧气机支持的话，我们是否要这么做？爸本身要不要靠机器支撑？实际一点想，靠机器能支撑多久？真能恢复过来吗？就算恢复过来，会和以往一样吗？

2. 我们都很爱爸，也很尊重他。那么是不是也该问一问他，往生之后希望有怎样的安排，什么样的仪式呢？虽然这听起来有点残酷，但是既然他已经接受了生命即将结束的事实，我们何不帮他完成最后的心愿呢？让他自己选择？

3. 我们都知道老妈一向来都很保守思想，老想着女儿嫁了就是外姓人，所以绝对不可以在女儿家出什么差错。上回爸做化疗时，一段时期非常虚弱，她就已经提到要和老爸搬到哥的家去了！相信她心里怎么想，也不用我多说了。这一方面，我们要考虑的是，如果真的发生事情时，要怎样安抚妈妈，让她不要太介怀。以她的性格，她真可以怨一辈子的！

说到这里，感觉好像我很冷血！为什么那么悲观？为什么可以那么平静地想这些问题？好像牵涉到的人和我一点关系也没有！我向姐道歉。不是我舍得让爸走，不过每天看着他那么辛苦，一天一天地虚弱，我有多无奈和无助？有时妙想天开，希望我有超人的手，可以伸进他体内把所有的癌细胞都摘掉！很滑稽对吗？

或者我的看法跟DJ比利一样吧？既然已成定局，何不接受现实，利用所剩的时间为他做好安排，让他知道一切都会如他所愿呢？这也许是做子女所能为他达成的最后愿望吧？

爸，不要怪我。我不希望你走，更不愿看着你受苦。从你可以陪我逛完正间Giant Megamart，还帮我推手推车，一直到现在从停车场走进食阁吃饭你都很辛苦。我真的心很痛！我不忍心看着你那么辛苦。。。

我真的很希望我们能够对这些该处理的事情取得共视，让他在剩下的日子里能平静、无虑的过。还有，尽量抽时间来探望他，陪他聊天。工作永远都做不完的，可是跟他相处的时间似乎已经越来越少了。。。。

Start of Tarceva

Dad started taking Tarceva today around 1120am. He'll hv to take the drug at the same time everyday and it has to be either 1hr before food or 2 hrs after food. So that's the best timing we finalised on.

Hope this med will work on lessening his discomfort.

Panting

This morning Dad woke up panting. He had difficulty sleeping through the night bcos of his panting and had to resort to sleeping on 2 pillows. He looked quite bad. So decided to bring him in to NCC walk-in clinic again.

Went there, waited for 1/2 hr and seen a doctor. She checked Dad and ordered for chest x-ray, blood test and ECG to be done. Then we were told to return around 2pm for the results before deciding what to do. If the water retention in the lungs had gotten worse, then an option will be to insert a needle into his lung to draw the fluid out. That will be considered invasive and has it's own risk. And personally I would only consider that as a last resort.

Thankfully when we returned for the results, they all turned out positive. ECG and blood tests showed no abnormalities. Fluid in lung is still the same as what's seen on the CT scan done a week ago. So there's nothing to suggest an infection causing panting.

Dad was confused. He's now wondering why is he panting so badly? Just walking from the sofa to the toilet and he'll pant if he walked a bit faster. Guess it must because of the cancer cells then.

update

Dad went for follow-up at NCC on Tue. His CT scan done a week ago showed the following:

lung - tumour size remained the same, but water retention is seen on one side of left lung (that's what caused his fever last week and persistent cough and panting)

neck & shoulder - the tumours in the original lymph nodes have resurfaced and new ones have been found at the back of the neck too. Probably the lymph node embedded under the left armpit is growing too, thus causing the water retention and numbness in his left arm and also the pain in his shoulder and chest.

After the doctors discussed, they decided to try a new drug on him. Tarceva is a new chemo drug, already approved for use on patients. This is an oral medication which he'll take 1 tablet a day. Doc has prescribed him a 6-week course and then to do a CT scan and review the effect.

Sometimes I hate doctors for being so frank and direct. He said, "This is not to cure. I think you understood there is no cure. But since he has these symptoms of water retention in his lungs and limbs that's causing him pain and discomfort, we will try this on him. This medication has been proven to work on non-smoker lung cancer patients. But with ex-smokers, it is hard to say. It may, or may not work to reduce the symptoms. We hope it will work on him and make him more comfortable." Ok, first fact ascertained. It is not meant to cure, but just to relieve him of his discomfort.

Next comes the cost of the drug. After subsidy, it costs S$103.00 per tablet. Which translates to S$3,193.00 per month. As this drug is considered oral chemotherapy, we will be able to cover part of the costs with medishield and pay part with medisave. The balance will have to be paid in cash.

Dad was very sharp. The moment we left the doc's room, he asked me. "what was the $100+ that the doctor mentioned? is it the price of the new medication?" I quickly said "yes yes" without going further into the actual costs. I'm not sure what will his reaction be if he knows it actually costs that much.

At the pharmacy, the pharmacist brought some 'good' news. As the drug is new in the market, the company is giving the first month's supply free to patients. That means we'll save S$3k+. Only catch is they'll only dispense 10 tablets at a time, meaning I'll have to make 2 more trips to NCC to collect the other 20 tablets. Their rationale is in case patient has too much side effect and cant carry on taking the medicine, then the balance will be wasted. NCC's pharmacy is very cautious, any medication dispensed are not returnable nor exchangeable. Anyway, this is definitely nothing compared to the costs saved.

This drug's common side effects are skin rash, vomitting and diarrhea. And like any other chemo treatments/drugs, patients' immunity will be lowered and more susceptible to infections. So will have to be extra careful when Dad's on this.


To my nieces and nephews: Please do read up on the drug from the website, especially that section under Caregiver Support. Even though you may not be caring for him physically now, but it's useful for you to know and understand so as not to flood him with too many questions. And please, if you want to visit him, ask yrself if you're well enough. Any light cold or cough can be dangerous to him. So please be more careful. Thanks.

cough cough

Dad came down with 2 episodes of fever last Wed and Thu. Then on Thu evening he started panting. So on Fri brought him to our usual GP (who knows his condition). He did a thorough check and confirmed my fear. Dad had some water retention at the lower part of his lungs. Though the wheezing wasn't very prominent, with his long term condition, it could deteriorate quickly if not taken care of. GP gave him antibiotics and cough mixture. He advised that if his panting worsens, we'll hv to send him in to SGH A&E for admission.

Fri Dad looked really lethargic and couldn't even talk much without panting. After 2 doses of medication, he seemed much better before bedtime. Sat he was alright, very alert and lively. He kept saying that the antibiotic is very effective and he's panting lesser already. On Sunday, he wasn't lethargic but can see that he's panting whenever he talks for too long. Was quite frustrated when his hp kept ringing and he got to entertain those calls.

Thru the last few nights, his cough wasn't persistent. however, when it starts, it gets so bad that he sounded like he's gonna choke. Not sure if it's good sign that there's phlegm coming out as he coughed or not. I'm quite lost. But whenever he coughed and I asked him, he'd say he's fine, not panting much anymore. I'm not sure if he's really feeling better already, or he simply do not wish to go to the hospital. Guess maybe all the news about those H1N1 deaths and critically ill patients are casting some fear on him.

Now I'm hearing his cough again. Everytime he coughed, I feel the pain. I hated cough myself. I'm not afraid of any illness or surgery or pain etc. But I just hated cough. It can send you totally out of control of everything. YES, everything, including your tears, nasal discharge, saliva and even urine. I've gone to that extent before and I really hated it. Once I was in the recovery stage of some throat infection and suddenly started to cough in the crowded morning MRT. It got so bad that I had to rush out of the train and nearly threw up the moment I got onto the platform! so now I've this phobia for cough. Even hearing others cough makes me feel the effect.

Tomorrow is his appointment with his oncologist at NCC. We'll be reviewing his CT scan for his neck and lungs done last week. As much as I want to know how's his condition now, I am also afraid to hear the truth. He's had more growth around his neck and we all know what that means. I'm just afraid that we'll have to go through the process of deciding whether he should go on chemo again. I'm really not sure if his willpower is still strong enough to go through it again. I'm so scared.

Pray....pray for the best, and be prepared for the worst. been telling myself. sigh....

老爸早上看了医生，不是H1N1。不过他肺部有点发炎，有咳嗽和喘。医生给了抗生素，希望会好起来。如果下来几天他喘得更厉害，那就要送他去医院了。我SMS是让你们了解他的情况，不是叫你们打电话给爸。他不舒服就会很累想睡，加上很喘讲话也辛苦。还有，他抵抗力差，你们有伤风感冒就不要见他或和他出去。这都是为他好。老实说，爸的斗志已有动摇了。不是我悲观，如果他再病倒，不知道他还有毅力撑住吗？所以他精神好时你们多打电话给他。

Just love them!

It was Matt's 11th birthday yesterday and we originally arranged for tennis and swimming at the club with some good friends. Too bad the weather played pranks and we had to change our plan. Kids ended up playing WII/PSP at home, while parents chatted the afternoon away. Simple activities, simple food, but great company. The rain didnt dampen our spirits. =)

Sent the kids to bed around 950pm. They were still very excited and fooling around. Especially our birthday boy. Nevertheless, they needed to turn in in order to wake up fresh next day. Put them in bed before I went for my shower. When I returned at 1025pm, they were still awake! They claimed that they were waiting for 1029pm, the boy's exact birth time! So daddy and mummy relented and joined them. Finally we sang the birthday song for him again at the exact time. It was really sweet.:) Then they went back to bed at last.

Was watching a drama series with hub when we heard some rustling outside our room door around 1130pm. Got up and found a piece of paper slipped thru under the door. Picked it up and the note just sent me laughing non-stop........














They are just so funny! with such a cute note, how not to accede to their request? haha...=>

自闭？还是身心俱累？

最近发觉自己越来越不喜欢出门，就连每星期上一次巴刹都能拖就拖。有时甚至拖到冰箱里空无一物了，才仓促地到巴刹像wholesale那样，买足一、两个星期份量的鱼肉鸡虾。总之就是能不出门的话，就尽量不踏出去。

也不记得最后一次和朋友聊电话是几时了？好像是上个月中吧？不过这道无所谓啦，反正也不爱讲电话。每天对着孩子们唠唠叨叨的，听自己的声音都听腻了！反而有点渴望自己的声带再发炎，然后再＂失声＂几天，那该多好？嘿嘿。。。mad right？

也许有点儿累吧？去尝试一下，每天从早到晚对着三小两老，念念念，念的都是一样的东西、同样的事物。看你累不累？

OK， don't worry，我的心应该还好啦。至少最近做的心电图显示一切正常咯。其他器官也无大碍。那么就是脑子有问题咯？？oh dear！

好啦、好啦，不发牢骚了。免得又有人要说我身在福中不知福了！很冤的！=(

后记，我是很知足的，不然就不会结婚生子，把一生奉献给我家这四个＂男人＂了！

so，是自闭吗？

He and all his questions

Was having breakfast with Nic this morning. Suddenly he raised a very funny question. "Mummy, why sometimes the government will give a new heart to bring the dead people back to life again?" I went "HUH? what? what do you mean?" He continued, "you remember? we went to papa Ng's house and we watched on TV? they went to collect a new heart and then they put the heart into the dead man and bring the man back to life?"

OMG! Now I know what he meant. Amazingly, he remembered this show we watched at his brothers' godparent's house in Feb!! It was about this team of doctors harvesting a heart from a brain-dead man to fly it to another city to save a man suffering from heart failure. And this little rascal actually remembered the whole thing and suddenly wanted to clarify his doubts. haha...

So I went on to explain to him that it wasn't the govt that's bringing a dead man to life. The man wasn't dead, just very ill and needed heart transplant to survive. And the heart came from a healthy man who've died suddenly due to accident or other reasons. And the family members of the dead man must consent before the doctors can harvest the heart and make sure the blood type matches the ailing man before they can transplant it. That kind of satisfied his curiousity and he went off to do his things.

And this is not the first time he asked something about 'government'. haha... last month when H1N1 first started and suspected cases were quarantined at Aloha Loyang. His dad cycled him to the beach and they passed by the chalets. His dad told him that was the place where the people were quarantined and they cant go anywhere. Suddenly he asked his dad this question, "Will the people who are quarantined be angry with the government?" =) His dad was totally dumbfounded by his question. haha...

This boy is funny. Very inquisitive and curious. Will be good if he is less stubborn, then he'll probably do better than his brothers.

So proud of him!

Before school closed last term, Drew was nominated for prefect selection. We were really happy for him, but I was, as usual, not so confident of him getting thru the selection interview. This boy is just too nonchalant and sometimes still a little too kiddy. Anyway, he went for the interview and felt confident about it.

Today he called me while I was at Nat'l Eye Centre with dad. He's been selected!! He sounded really excited about it and when I told hub, he was ecstatic! We're really proud of him. He'll hv to go through some training before he'll assume prefectorial duties. We hope this extra responsibility will make him more mature and keep him on his toes with his studies and behaviour.

Son, we're very proud of you. Keep up the good work and live up to your teachers' expectations. We love you.

are people really getting so self-centred?

on the way to fetch Nic, I walked pass Blk 510's void deck. A rubbish bin on the opposite end of the letter box was on fire! Not sparks or smoke, but a small fire was burning in the bin! Immediately I called 995 and asked them to send someone down.

While I was calling the fire brigade, I saw curious children looking and running away quickly. I saw adults passers-by, looked, frowned and walked away. I saw returning office workers passed by, looked shocked but then proceeded into the lift to go home. At least 5-6 pple passed, but no one stopped to even think if there's anything they could do to put out the fire. What's wrong with these pple?

I ran across to the sch gate to get Nic. Checked his water bottle and he still had 1/2 bottle of water left. So we ran back to the bin and I poured all the water into the bin. The fire was put out, but there were still some sparks on those papers in the bin. About 5mins later, a red rhino came. The firemen checked the bin and sprayed some foam into it to prevent any possible re-ignition.

Just feel that pple are getting really self-centred (or is it self-absorbed?). The person responsible for the fire only thot of his/her own convenience, without thinking of consequences. And those passers-by were not willing to stop and help even though it's happening so close to home. Do we hv to wait till it's really serious, like half a house is burning, before pple are willing to stop and help? sigh...

Nic was so cute. After dinner he asked to go back there again bcos he wanted to check to make sure the fire did not start again. Love him.