Tuesday, 27 May 2008

I feel so painful. why are my well intentions all being misunderstood? why when I tried to consider everyone's feelings and take care of their emotions, yet nobody cares about mine? does anybody understand the position I'm in? does anybody care?

I want to cry my heart out with the rain. but can I?

Monday, 26 May 2008

The truth is cruel

Time seemed to past by so quickly. Hv not been sleeping well, panda eyes all showing already. Everytime I sleep, my mind keep flashing all kinds of things. My body is resting, but not my mind. Not very good, I know. But I dun seem to be in control.

ok, try to be happier, try to be more relax. Tried to occupy myself with other things and not hover around Dad. Adopted another 3 hamsters which are only 5weeks old but weaned already. The boys are thrilled with the little active ones.

This is Brownie, with a beautiful coat of creamy brown fur.

This is Stripe, named after the prominent grey stripe on his back.

This is Snowy, whose got a pretty white coat of fur with little tinge of grey on his ears and his back.

Stripe greeting 'Grandpa' Theodore. After 2 failed attempts to put them all together in the big cage, finally good old Theodore accepted the 'kids' into his territory after we cleaned up the cage. The 'kids' are smart too, they'll avoid whichever area Theodore is around as much as possible. Except for Stripe who's the 'garang' one and will explore everywhere, anywhere. hee... The little animals will keep me busy for a while and take my mind off the pain for a while.

But everytime Dad coughs, my heart will tighten again. His cough seems to be getting worse. Yesterday morning he asked me, after he came out of the toilet.


Anyway, we're gonna tell Dad next Thu. Will talk to him with 2nd and 4th sis. Pray that he'll remain calm and strong for the truth. Reality hurts, but we still hv to be strong to carry on. sigh....

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

seeing him hurts me even more

Dad was discharged on Sunday. He was so happy when the houseman asked him whether he missed home while doing his round that morning. Started calling all of us at 940am to inform us he could go home! When I fetched him, he declared that his tests results were all out but the doctors did not comment anything and discharged him, so he must have had a clean bill. My heart tightened as I listened, but I could only smile and agree with him, and nothing more...

He's so energetic these 2 days. Good appetite too. Requested for curry fish head on Sunday, and crab bee hoon last night. He had a good time chatting with old friends at the temple yesterday. And also called his niece and nephews in Fujian to inform them that he's well and home already. Seeing him like that, it pains me even more to know that we'll hv to reveal the truth to him next week. I really wish time will just freeze...


痛...痛...痛.......yet still hv to put on a smile and joke wth them, and make them happy.

I need strength...I need strength....I NEED STRENGTH!!!!!

Sunday, 18 May 2008







Anyway, Cat, really appreciate your advice! 衷心感激你!


Wednesday, 14 May 2008


今早的天气很悲。老天是在为最近天灾的罹 难者流泪?还是在反射我的心情?茫然。。。






Monday, 12 May 2008

why? why like that? why me?

why must things turn out like that? why must I always be the first one to receive such news and bear the brunt? why?

When I reached dad's ward this afternoon, he looked perfectly healthy, chatting 'intimately' with mum. That's such a rare sight, I told myself. Since the day I understand things, they've rarely spoken so nicely and softly to each other. Altho not at war with each other, they're always squabbling. I felt so warm and happy for them.

As usual, Dad 'reported' his routines today and told me enthusiastically about how fast the CT scan was done this afternoon. Then he passed a card to me and told me the nurse wants to speak to me. Went to the nursing station, but the station nurse/clinician was off duty and I was to call her tomorrow. Went back to chat and joke with dad and mum.

About an hour later, the senior doctor came for his round with 2 housemen. Felt quite puzzled when they 'skipped' dad and went on to the other patients in the same room. Later one of the houseman approached me and asked my relationship with dad. After clarifying that, he took me to the corridor outside the room. He broke the most devastating news....they've traced down dad's biopsy report and it showed cancerous cells in the lymph nodes on his neck! They suspect the cancer is in the tumor in his lung and had spread to his lymph nodes........

Now I know how it feels like. The feeling of yr heart being wrenched out of yr chest and you're left to bleed... And what's worst? I've to contain every pain within and cannot show a single sign of it on my face. Dad and mum were watching me as they spoke to me. any change on my face is gonna raise tons of questions fm them. No, I'm not ready to break the news to them. I dunno how to tell them, and I dunno how to handle what'll come next, and I cant handle both their emotions on my own. Especially for mum, she'll get hysterical and will definitely affect dad a lot. Got to break the news to her separately.... So much was rushing thru my brain while the doctor continued to explain what they've arranged with the cancer dept, sending a specialist over to look thru the reports, examine my dad and determine whether further test is needed and what's next.

I took a deep breath and walked towards dad. Smiled and told him that doctor said there's some abnormalities in his lymph nodes. So they're getting the tumor specialist to see him to determine what other tests is required to investigate further. I dunno what else to say, but just pretended there's nothing serious and continued to hide behind my magazine. But I sensed that his face sunk when I mentioned abnormalities. He's smart and he's never someone who lives in denial. So I'm quite sure he's sensed something but continued to remain silent. That pains me even more.

When we left, I walked thru 3 blocks to get the car while mum waited at the lobby. I couldn't control anymore and sobbed the whole way. Why must this happen to dad? Why this time? He just lost his cousin to cancer earlier this year, it's gonna be a blow to him. How is he gonna take it? I'm so scared. I'm so afraid. How to put it across to him? How? How? How?

Then it's mum. How to tell her? How to ask her to be strong for dad? Even when she had gall stones, it was like doom's day to her already. Now we're talking about cancer! How will she take it? How will she be able to remain strong for dad? How? How? How?

My mind is quite blank now. My siblings are coming over later and we're gonna 'discuss' about it. But what to say? what's there to say? I've texted them whatever I know fm the doctors already. What else can I say...........

Thursday, 8 May 2008


I thk I should seriously consider working in one of the hospitals since I've been to most of them so often. sigh...

Drew's fever didnt get any better and yesterday GP examined him and thot he required intravenous antibiotics. So he wrote a referral for us to KKH. Brought him there, spent like 2 1/2 hrs there, after getting him pricked and blood test and all, he was sent home with 2 btls of Brufen and 2 btls of Paracetamol!? Viral infection, no medicine, so only can treat symptoms. Poor boy will hv to continue to endure his roller coaster fever till his body 'wins the battle' with the darn virus. sigh...mummy heart and head pain ah!

Then this morning, I was doing my usual early morning routine till my mum shouted for me. Ran up to the 3rd flr and what I saw next just squeezed my heart so tight, I nearly cant breath. Poor old Dad was sitting at the edge of the bed with slurred speech and 'semi-paralysed' limbs!!! He looked so helpless, frail and in despair. Emotions rosed within me but I had to fight back my tears to calm him and think of what to do next. My mind was quite blank and Mum was frantically saying, "it must be stroke, it must be stroke!" Hub and Mum helped him to the toilet to change up and then he seems to hv regained some strength in his limbs and his speech got clearer. But to leave him to recover without any medical consultation is definitely not the way. Finally my brother came and we decided to send him to SGH A&E where all his medical records are.

We reached there around 10am and waited for like 2hrs before a doctor examined him and order for blood test. By then he had fully 'recovered' fm the episode of 'semi-paralysis' and was alert and able to relate the whole incident to the doc. Doc said it's unlikely to be stroke since it usually occurs to one side of the body only, but we cant totally rule out possibility of a transient stroke, meaning a mini-stroke with symptoms that last less than 24hrs and everything goes back to normal again. It could also be related to his diabetes, as when the blood sugar drops too drastically, he'll experience hypo which leads to weakness of his body.

We then waited for another 2hrs before the blood test result was out. Everything was normal, even his ECG was positive. But doc decided to admit him to investigate further. So we waited fm 2pm when they decided to admit him, till 6pm and there was still no bed for him!? Is SGH really so short of beds? Are there really so many sick pple in Spore? or is our population really aging? Mum was quite shocked at the constant crowd in the A&E department. It's the first time she's spent so much time sitting in this place and she kept exclaiming that the place is so crowded! why are there so many pple ill?

Anyway, we left Dad in the observation ward to wait for an available bed. Mum and I went off at 6pm. Finally he was brought to the ward around 830pm.

I just felt so worn after I reached home. I'm so damn tired.......what's next?

Sunday, 4 May 2008

I'm back but not exactly refreshed

wow..it's exactly 3 wks since my last entry. Was just too stressed and bogged down by so many things that I had no mood and no words to write. anyway, I'm back.

Finally went for our long awaited 3-day break. Was supposed to be a relaxation and well-rested break, but end up I felt so energetic that I didn't rest at all. Went around machiam like tourist(on my own of course)! haha.. What I enjoyed most (if not for some irritating mainland tourists who just walk in front of you while you're snapping pictures) was watching the waves at Tanah Lot, west coast of Bali. The feeling is indescribable! It's really like what my title said, 观海听涛, watching the vast ocean while listening to the magnificent waves!! COOL!

went strolling around Kuta area and stepped upon the very spot where the Oct 02 bombing took place. It's so sad reading the monument that was erected in memory of those who've perished on that sinful night. Most of the shops hv been renovated and business as usual. Only a couple of restaurants still kept the bombed remains on the exterior, probably to remind pple of what had happened there. The main restaurant that was totally devastated is being reconstructed at the moment. I believe soon it will be bustling with patrons/tourists once again. May all the victims rest in peace.

For this whole trip, we only had one massage and didn't bust ourselves under the sun at all!? can u imagine, going to Bali and not enjoying the sun, sand and sea? Oh well, we had our fair share of the scorching sun just doing what we did. Food was great as usual and we had a good time chumping down loads of Balinese grilled seafood and not forgetting their yummilicious CHILLI!!! And guess what I got after that? 'Voiceless-ness'!! Yup, vocal chord infection and I'm now left with the minimal of my voice, and chumping down antibiotics and all. sigh...

The kids didn't hv a good time while we were away. Firstly, Nic was still having his viral fever when we left. Luckily he recovered on the 2nd day. Then they lost their pet hamster, Simon, on the morning before we came back. Poor boys! they started wailing away when they found it stiff and lifeless in the cage. Like the previous 2 times, they placed the carcass in a shoebox 'coffin' and waited for mummy's return for it's 'funeral'. Sad isn't it? Having to return to a 'funeral' for a pet? But then, this little Simon is really well-liked by the kids and me. It's so tame and never bites, and have always been most eager to climb into our palms to play. Gonna miss it so much. sigh...

Finally, our Prince Andrew came down with fever this morning. We suspect his tonsilitis is giving him problem again. And the worst thing is, tomorrow's his SA1 English paper 2!? How? I also dunno. Sms his form teacher and informed her. We'll just hv to see how's his condition tomorrow morning to decide whether he should go for the paper or not. Arrrgggghhhhhhhhh...........faint! It's really one after another falling sick in the family. So much so until the clinic assistant could ask me, "so whose turn today?" when I went to consult the doctor this morning. Looks like I'll be there again tomorrow morning liao. sigh... Then Tue is SGH with my dad, and Wed will be CGH with my mum. Ha, I'm gonna have another 'eventful' week again! 'God' help me!!! but who's my God? still searching...haha...