Sunday 13 April 2008

S.T.R.E.S.S.E.D....

STRESSED -- with kids
STRESSED -- with hubby
STRESSED -- with parents
STRESSED -- with every damn thing

think I need a religion? think I need some alcohol? think I need some stress relieving food? think I need...... maybe all I need is an ice cold can of COKE now. I want to run away.....

Wednesday 2 April 2008

so angry with....

..my mum!!

spent the whole afternoon researching on the internet to read more about tuberculosis(TB) and how serious would dad's case be. Finally felt more at ease when I read that in cases where the patient only has TB infection, meaning the bacteria in his body is dormant(sleeping), there's no risk of passing the bacteria to anyone in anyway. And it can be treated with antibiotics taken over a period of 3-6 months. At least felt a temporary relief for now.

Then while I was sharing with dad after dinner about what I've found out, mum started blaring about her 'knowledge' of TB and that we shd start taking precautions like separating eating utensils, isolation, etc etc... I tried to explain to her that dad's case is different as his lesions appeared inactive, which means it might just be a dormant case and not the active case of TB disease. And tried to site as example the difference between a Hep B carrier and Hep B disease sufferer. But stubborn her just went on and on and insisted that she was right because one of the tenants in her parents' house decades ago had TB disease and they had to take all these precautions. I got in an argument with her and finally told her that if she's so knowledgeable then next time she can accompany dad for his medical appts and talk to his doctor on his behalf instead!! Fed up!

This is the one thing I really dislike about my mum. For as long as I can remember, she's been very inclined to listening and believing what her friends and neighbours(or even strangers) told her instead of what we, her husband and children, have to share. She has always been very stubborn and even when we try to explain things to her and show her the logic, she'll still believe that what she heard is correct. brrr....

anyway, I still love and care about her. Just can't stand her stubbornness! I thot pple tend to become wiser and more receptive as they grow older? How come it's not happening to my mum? sigh....

shock..fear..lost..confusion....

Just got back fm the clinic with Dad. He did a chest xray and report came out as follows:

Minimal fibrotic tuberculous foci are seen in both upper zones. The lesions look inactive. In addition, there is a small low-density opacity in the periphery of the right upper zone. (It overlies the anterior part of the 2nd rib.) This may be part of the tuberculous lesion. However other possibilities, even a malignant focus, may have to be considered. The right hilum is marginally large. The rest of the lungs are clear.

Am totally shocked to see this report. Doc explained that it might have been an old case that was not detected but recovered on its own. His main concern is the small opacity at the upper right zone which may be a reactivated lesion or a growth. That'll need to be checked by specialist and probably a more detailed ultra-sound scan to be done. Doc wrote a referral letter and I'll be heading to SGH with dad next Tue for his usual appt and further specialist referral.

I was feeled with shock and fear. My tears were oozing out when I read the report but I had to fight it back bcos both dad and mum were with me. I hv to remain very calm to assure them that everything will be fine, it's not gonna be a big issue. But I'm not sure myself. I'm so scared! I kinda hate myself now. Why didn't I insist that he consults a doctor earlier for his cough and do more detailed checks? Why didn't I accompany him for his last few check-ups and insist that the doctor investigate further into his persistent cough? Why? Why? Why?

I'm so lost. Will continue to feel very lost till we've seen his doctor followed by the specialist and more detailed diagnostic tests. sigh.........