Friday, 30 October 2009




Cousin, translation for you:

Were you in my dream last night?

It was foggy, but I feel you right before me. Just like last Sat’s dream, the scene was déjà vu, and you were right before me, but I cant see you clearly, nor reach out to you. Were you really in my dream? Or was it just my imagination?

Want to hold your hand again, but that’s not possible anymore…

Wednesday, 28 October 2009




Tuesday, 27 October 2009





Monday, 26 October 2009

Poor Matt

...has been sick since Fri evening. Diarrhea, vomitting and high fever. Doc said it's gastric flu, so can only take symptomatic medicine while allowing the body purge out all the virus itself. Poor boy was drowsy the whole Sat and ate nothing but half a bowl of watery porridge. Yesterday was better and he felt hungry. But after eating bread, he threw up again.

Today he seems better, not as drowsy although still weak from the lack of food. So hopefully he'll get well soon since his exams are next week.

He weighed himself and declared that he's lost 3kg in 2 days. Poor boy.

Saturday, 24 October 2009

17 October to 22 October





Friday, 23 October 2009

Penning down the events of that day brought back tears and pain. But that's also a way to put everything down and let go.


I love and miss you.

16 October, Friday

635am - checked Dad's BP 150/89, pulse 150 and glucose 23.8. Still nausea and getting more breathless. Not a good sign.

930am - checked Dad again and his BP 146/86, pulse 159 and glucose 22.3. Convinced him that he needed to see the doc, then called NCC walk-in clinic and they suggested sending him directly to SGH A&E. Told him and he said I should call 大姐 to accompany us since I'll need to park the car after dropping him off at the A&E. Called 大姐 and she could only get to my place around 12noon.

940am - He was so breathless he needed the oxygen concentrator very frequently.

He looked so frail. My heart hurts.

1235pm - sent Nic to school. 大姐 called and said she's reached my place. When I reached back home, he was already downstairs, panting very badly on the sofa. He walked down the stairs all by himself when he heard 大姐's voice. Seeing him pant really scared me.

125pm - reached SGH A&E, and they wheeled him in for routine checks, and then into the emergency ward for oxygen. He was still able to talk then, despite being breathless.

220pm - getting very restless while waiting outside the emergency ward. Happened to turn around and looked into the ward and saw them wheeling him on a bed into the x-ray room. Felt slightly better seeing that he could still sit reclined and awake.

232pm - my phone rang and it's him. But I was shocked that he's lost his voice and I could not figure out what he was trying to say. I panicked and started asking for help from the nursing students and security guards there to please help me find him. They found him and told me he just wanted to tell me he's fine and doctor has seen him. But I'm not sure if that's really it....

3pm - a nurse came and told us that he needed to be warded. So 大姐 went to accompany him to the ward while I stayed behind to settle the admissions procedure.

415pm - went up to the ward and saw him. He was more breathless than earlier, and had to use an oxygen mask. His voice went totally hoarse and we had to guess what he was trying to tell us. When we guessed it wrong, he got irritated. We felt so helpless, and could only sit there and accompany him quietly.

430pm - Ward doctor came to see him. After checking him, he had a talk with me. Again he reiterated his deteriorating condition and suggested that we consider putting him in hospice care. His condition will get worse and we will not know how to react should emergency happen at home. And sending him to A&E all the time is not going to work either. I felt so lost.

450pm - 三姐 came to see him before heading to Pearl Centre for work. We tried to coax him to eat something and he agreed to have some milo. The nurses gave him some pills and morphine syrup. He didn't touch the porridge and carrot puree that was given to him.

515pm - 三姐 left for work. He started chasing us home. Told him that Mum wants to come and we'll wait there for her. He shaked his head and didn't want us to stay.

525pm - 四姐 called and asked about his condition. She was heading into the Turf Club to report for work, but felt uneasy, so called to check. Told her not to worry, he should be fine.

630pm - Again he chased us to go home. He looked irritated and I thought maybe he wanted to rest. So I suggested that we go for dinner first before returning to wait for Mum. He nodded his head. Asked if he wanted to eat anything, and he shook his head.

705pm - We returned to the ward. A nurse was trying to measure his BP. He looked like he's sleeping. Felt something strange when the nurse tried to get his BP reading from his calf when she couldn't read anything from his arm. My instinct prompted me to lean forward to have a closer look. He looked strange and I tried calling him but no response. Felt his face and it was cold and sweaty!! I went into panic and started shouting for him to wake up, please don't go! The nurse called for help. the doctor came, and they shoo-ed 大姐 and me to wait outside. Frantically we started calling everyone to come quickly.

720pm - the doctor came and told us to be prepared for the worst. His lungs seemed to be collapsing and his BP and pulse are very weak. They have put on a drip for him to push up his BP, but that may not last if his lung functions deteriorate further. So they suggested giving him another drug to reduce his breathlessness, so that he will be in a more comfortable state. We seemed to be left with no other choice. Doctor's final words, "..with these 2 drips, his lungs will probably keep him till tonight or tomorrow...." I couldnt hear what else she said......

730-1030pm - one came after another. He regained slight consciousness and was able to respond to what we said. Each time someone arrived, we will inform him and he will acknowledge with a nod. When we asked if he wanted some water or was he hungry, he briefly shook his head. His eyes remain half shut throughout, and continued to be breathing very hard. Finally when 四姐, last one, arrived, and we told him, he miraculously opened his eyes, took a last look and shut again after a couple of seconds.

1040pm - he waved both hands up and outwards, just like what he usually do when he 'chased' us to go home. We asked him if he wanted us to go home, and he nodded his head. He looked alright and seemed sleepy. So some thought maybe they could go back and have a shower before coming back to take over for the second half of the night.

1120pm - in the end, most left and only Mum, Charmaine, Seth, Raymond, Terence, Weiting and I stayed behind. Dad looked like he's fallen asleep. Mum insisted on sitting on the arm-chair beside him to keep watch. So Seth, Charmaine, Terence and Weiting stayed with her. While Raymond and I took a rest outside the ward.

12midnight - Seth came and woke me up. I got a shock! Then he said, nothing happened, just that Granny wanted me inside. Went in, saw Dad still the same as before, but Mum insisted that his breathing is slowing down. Asked the nurse to check and she said the reading is 22, which is still in safe zone. Not sure what reading was that, probably breathing rate?? But Mum still insisted that I must call brother back bcos we're losing him. Called brother and sisters and told them to come back to appease Mum.

1215am - came back into the ward after calling all of them. Dad's breathing pattern really changed! There're pauses in between and we started panicking and calling him to stay with us! Something prompted me to call 二姐 again and told her to rush down in a cab.

1220am - His breathing became so faint, we cant see it from the oxygen mask anymore. Nurses came in and took his ECG reading. There was still heartbeat, but faint. They left us surrounding him, sobbing away. Mum kept telling him, "wait for your son, he's coming. You've to wait for him." I held on to his hand, witnessing the colours fade away from the finger tips. I'm so scared, so afraid that we’re losing him. Suddenly, reality was setting in, we're really losing him!

1230am - 二姐 arrived. Mum kept saying that he's already gone. Although we kinda agreed with her, but we kept insisting that he's still with us and his body was still warm. Seth had his palm on his left chest all the time, and he knew there's nothing anymore.

1245am - Nurses came for another round of ECG reading. They didn't tell us anything, just left us to grieve by his bed.

1257am - doctor came and checked his eyes for any sign of response. Time of death certified at 0057hrs.
We lost our dearest Papa/Waigong on 17 October 2009, 0057hrs.

Thursday, 15 October 2009


just before noon, Dad vomitted some yellow liquid. He thinks it might be the turtle soup he ate last night, too oily causing him discomfort. But I'm not sure... He seems more breathless these 2 days and using the oxygen concentrator more often. Sms-ed the home care nurse and she said to monitor him. If it persist and he starts having fever, will have to send him to hospital again.

Yesterday after his shower, he said his left arm felt a bit numb. I felt the back of his neck and there seems to be more 'bums' there and when I press on them, he felt pain on a few of them. Both his forearms and the back of his palms are swollen, and there's 2 'holes' on his right forearm that's 'leaking' constantly. I'm so afraid that some infection might set in and things might take the wrong turn.

I'm scared....

Thank you...and sorry

To all my dear friends who've emailed or messaged me. Thank you very much for your concern and well-wishes. But I'm sorry I'm not exactly in the right frame of mind to speak with anyone outside the family. And as I'm already updating my extended family on my blog, it's just too draining and depressing for me to reproduce whatever I've written again onto individual emails to you all. I hope to have your understanding.

Thank you once again. Dun worry, I'm still standing. I'm his pillar of strength now, and I cant afford to fall. I will strive on.

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Off to de-stress

was chosen for a commercial shoot because they wanted an aunty face to make it more convincing. hee...

Met the crew at the supermarket this afternoon. They were a fun group of people. That made things much easier for me since it's my first time (and most probably last). We joked and laughed throughout the setup and shooting. The whole crew was very easy-going and they were very forgiving when I made so many mistakes and kept having "NG".

It was hardwork. Shooting only took 5-10mins, but the equipment and area setting up took much longer. And imagine, the actual commercial will only be like 15-20secs? The whole thing took about 3hrs to complete just for 3 shots. Tough job!

Drew was with me and had a part to play in it too. It was both fun and scary for him. haha... But a good experience as he finally get to see how a commercial is produced and how tough is work in real life.

Thanks to the fun people I met today. You helped take the stress (and my migraine;P) off my mind for a while.

Friday, 9 October 2009

Dad was discharged today. The last 2 days they gave him morphine syrup, some injections and a new steroid drug. An x-ray was taken for his lungs upon admission and the oncologist requested a CT scan. All was done and they decided that he should head home.

His oncologist reduced a couple of his hypertension medication and added the morphine syrup and steroid drug. Spoke to the MO over the phone when I fetched him. Apparently the CT scan was ordered because his oncologist found some unknown shadows in his chest xray. Unfortunately the CT scan confirmed his suspicion. The tumour in his lung has started spreading. They're not sure if there's any spreading through those in his lymph nodes though. But my sixth sense and daily observation tells me it has. Now the only thing that can be done is to provide symptomatic treatment as and when needed. An oxygen concentrator is recommended for standby whenever he gets too breathless.

Imagine hearing all these in front of him and having to keep a straight face. I dunno when I have learned this skill of acting. I felt so lost...





Wednesday, 7 October 2009

He must have felt really bad...

..yesterday that he asked to see the doctor. He didn't eat much for breakfast, only took a slice of mooncake around 11+. Didn't even touch his lunch at all. Can see that he's really catching his breath when he asked me if we can ask the homecare doctor to come?

Sms the home care nurse, but she suggested we bring him to NCC's walk-in clinic. Called NCC, they checked and recommended that we send him directly to SGH A&E and have him admitted.

Spent about 5hr+ at the A&E and they still couldn't get a bed ready for him. But he looked much better and could drink a cup of milo and ate some biscuits. It was 10pm and he chased us home while he stayed at the observation room and waited to be transferred to the ward.

At 1140pm, he called me and got the nurse to tell me his ward and bed numbers. At least they got him into the ward and he could sleep better on a proper bed.

This morning went there around 8am and managed to catch the oncologist before he left. He has ordered for a CT scan for Dad to check the condition of his lungs. And according to him, the swelling that Dad's experiencing now is due to the fall in his nutrition level, which is common in end stage patients. They will prescribe morphine to help him ease any pain and reduce his breathlessness. And will also arrange for an oxygen machine for him to use at home after his discharge. These seemed to be the only things they could do for him now.

When Mum and I went back to see Dad again after lunch, he looked much better. He said they gave him an injection and he felt less breathless. His appetite improved a little and he could finish most of his lunch. I bought 2 pieces of sugar roll for him and he gladly kept it aside for tea. But we were there for merely half an hour and the 2 of them started squabbling again. Then he literally chased us home. sigh...

Maybe I shd be happy, since that means he's breathing well enough to argue with Mum!? hmm...

Monday, 5 October 2009







Sunday, 4 October 2009

what luck!

Hubby went JB for golf yesterday with few friends. Parked his car along the road side and walked about 4-5 shops down the corner for lunch. Just less than an hour and they returned to a shattered car window and 2 missing bags! :<

2 of his friends lost their bags along with their wallets and passports. Luckily hub and the 3rd friend placed their bags in the back below the golf clubs. Otherwise all 4 bags would have been taken.

Nagged at him not to go JB for golf again. But as usual, he has his own excuses, "aiya, this is not the usual place we go to. Otherwise wouldn't have happened. Our usual haunt very safe one." !!!??? sigh...he'll go to extremes just for golf.

Thursday, 1 October 2009

So I'm not 100% Chinese afterall!!!

All these years I've been questioned so often about my ethnicity. Many thought I had some Indian or whatever descent, which contributed to my sharp features. When I was younger, I tend to get offended and proclaimed to be 100% pure Chinese. Never would I imagine that 41yrs later today, then I found out that I'm 1/16 of an 'ang-moh'!! And most probably it's Russian descent somemore! haha...

Anyway, my Mum has brown hair, sharp nose and was really fair when she was young. I've asked her quite a few times if she knew whether there's been some inter-racial marriage in her natural parents' ancestral line. But she didn't know because her natural parents had never told her anything. I must dig out her wedding photo and you'll understand why I got suspicious as I get older. And then yesterday, she went to Malaysia to attend my cousin's son's wedding. It was there that she started chatting with my other cousins and found out this bit of history from them! So amazing!

Apparently, my Mum's paternal great-grandfather was a Caucasian raised by a Chinese family. The background was like he was born to an unwed Caucasian mother, and they had to give him up. We believe this took place in mid-1800s in China. My cousins briefly remembered his nationality was probably Russian. What a discovery!

Told my siblings via sms and they were all so surprised! It sure sounds unbelievable...haha... But I'm not kidding ok?