Wednesday, 31 December 2008

The year has come to an end...

Time really flies when you need it so much. We're left with 2hrs before 2008 leaves us forever.

Looking back, this year has been quite a roller coaster year. I'm not referring to the financial markets. Within our household, there's been enough ups and downs, tears and joy. Glad that things are kinda calmed down now.

Have been blogging for a year now. It has given me an avenue to let off steam and relieve the stress that's weighing me down. It has also acted as a connector with my friends to keep them updated of what's going on in my life when I couldn't catch up in person. It has kind of become my 'only' link with the 'outside world'. haha.... I believe i'll still continue to blog till I've run out of words, or till the day comes when I've given up talking about my feelings.

Adios 2008!

Another wedding...

祝愿表哥表嫂白头到老、永结同心。明年快快生个小宝宝,好让我有借口再到巴生一游。哈哈。。。


Spent the last 3 days in Klang for cousin's wedding. Had the luxury of time to roam a little bit in KL and tried some nice and cheap food there. Other than that, it was more of catching up with our cousins, whom we hardly meet but are close like siblings.

Thursday, 18 December 2008

He's been posted

Got the sms when I switched on my hp this morning. MOE systems are so efficient these days. The message came in as early as 6:45am, even before I woke up leh!



He's not extremely excited about the new school that he's been posted to. But I guess that's one of the best of whatever choices we had. Let's hope that he'll grow to like the school when he starts there.

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Feeling so weak...

Have been sick for the past 1 week. Guess it was the cold before the Vietnam trip that didn't fully recover. And when it hits again, it's real hard and completely drains my energy out. Feel so weak...

Look around the house, so many things to sort out, so many issues to settle, but so little energy. Got to wait till my strength is back again.

Think age has got something to do with it too. Can feel my body losing the ability to sustain late nights, common cold/cough and not as strong as before. Got to really do something about it. Seriously.

Saturday, 6 December 2008

Wedded bliss...


It's been wonderful (and some pain too) seeing you grow up,
and today as you are all set for a new life ahead...
Here's wishing you love, joy and happiness!
I'm so happy for you both!

Friday, 5 December 2008

Vietnam


We spent the last 5 days in Vietnam. Planned a pretty different trip for the family this time round. Made the boys take budget airline for the very first time and they were complaining so much. The next 'adventure' was a 1hr flight on a propeller plane fm HCMC to Phu Quoc Island, south of Vietnam.

The island is about 600sq km, with a population of around 100,000. Fishing being one of the main livelihood, fresh seafood was readily available. The island is also the biggest fish sauce producer in Vietnam. Pepper is also widely farmed on the island.

As tourism is quite new to the island, the few 'resorts' available are not those 5-star standard. But we find the rooms, facilities and beach quite clean and nice. The boys love the beach and clear sea water. They spent so much time lazing on the beach and 'snorkelling' in the water.


We also had a one-day tour around the island and visited the local wet market, fishing village, pepper plantation and fish sauce factory. It was an experience for the kids as they've never been on such guided tour.













We had a Mekong River Delta tour arranged upon our return to HCMC. It took a 3hr drive fm HCMC airport to the Mekong river delta. Luckily I gave the kids motion sickness medicine in advance. Our tour guide was throwing up like crazy on the way!!

The sight of the Mekong river delta was nothing to boast about. River was murky and there's nothing interesting to see except for lots of fishing and cargo boats/vessels. But it is interesting to know that the river has provided so much resources to the people of 4(or was it 5?) countries before 'retiring' into the ocean. We had a very authentic Vietnamese lunch by the river bank which included the famous 'elephant's ear fish'! We also visited a small fruit plantation, handmade coconut candy factory, and a local village. The kids had their very first horse-cart and sampan boat ride here too. Overall, it was an interesting experience for them.












As for me, my biggest joy on this trip was the opportunity to try out my new toy, the Canon SX10IS. Have snapped easily 700+ pictures, but still learning to 'tweak' the functions and all. Here's sharing a picture of the beautiful sunset taken on Phu Quoc Island.

Thursday, 27 November 2008

Mumbai...

Woken up at 2.45am by an sms fm hubby who's in Mumbai.

"6 star Mumbai hotels kanna attacked by terrorists. I am staying far away from the hotels under attack. Not to worry."

Aiyo, how not to worry?? Sms-ed him to return asap. After that, was tossing and turning on the bed till morning.

Watched CCTV4's news with Dad in the morning. The situation in Mumbai is really bad and the hotel that was hit was Taj Mahal, a top class hotel and many business/banking pple stays there. The news reporter interviewed a caucasian who managed to leave the hotel after the attack and found out that the terrorists were targetting US passport holders. And that most held hostage were fm US. sigh...so sad.

Finally heard fm hubby that he's been confirmed on an early flight back. What he told me next sent a chill down my spine. He was at the Taj Mahal Hotel just 24hrs before the attack!! I cant imagine what will it be if the terrorists had attacked a day earlier!? I'm scared....

Anyway, hubby is now on flight back already. Looking forward to fetch him at the airport.

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Choices...

Spent the last few days ploughing through school websites, gathering feedbacks and driving around the vicinity to show him the schools. After some advises from his Vice Principal and Form Teacher, he has decided not to appeal against his results for English and Math as he wanted to earlier. His Form Teacher, Ms Regina Lim, has also given us valuable advises on how to select the schools. Also thankful to hv friends around to share with us their past experiences in the school selection process and what some are doing with their own kids' selection. It's great to have friends who share generously. I'm thankful.

Now that we've made our choices, we're not gonna hub over his result anymore. It is over and we're looking forward to the school he'll be posted to and how he's gonna face his whole new secondary school life.

Friday, 21 November 2008

Nic's graduation concert

Went to Nanyang Polytechnic's auditorium to witness Nic's kindergarten graduation and concert. He's performing and has been so excited about his role as a frog! ;0)

It started off with the little graduands donning the graduation robe and the mortar board and heading up stage to receive their certificates and photo taking. I was so excited looking high and low for my little skinny boy, only to find his centre is the last group to come out. This boy was so serious looking and walked with his face straight ahead without even noticing that we're all frantically waving at him! haha... no wonder the teachers always praise him for being serious and obedient in school!

Then came the concert and frankly, with the effects of the medication, I was yawning and coughing half the time. And again, his group was the last to perform. But he really looked so cute! (ya, all mummies find their own kids cute what, cannot meh?) In the green froggy costume, he was like a machine, his hands going up and down, left to right. He really looked froggy with his glasses!! haha...

After the concert, picked their 小姑姑 up fm YCK MRT and we went Melben for dinner. Yucks!! all the dishes were so salty and the soup was not piping hot when served. And for a simple dinner without any seafood for 3 adults and 3 kids, it was totally overpriced at $110+! Never gonna go back there again.

While I was walking thru the carpark with Drew, he told me this. He said, "Mummy, u know, this morning when you lectured me and Matt-Matt, I had a sudden urge of shouting back at you! But then I didn't."!!!!! I was shocked and asked him why? why did he feel that way and what did I say that he got so angry about? He couldn't (or maybe didn't want to?) give me an answer, and just simply said, "nevermind, it's over. I'll never shout at my mummy. I love my mummy!" I think I'll have to watch his emotional growth even more closely. He's beginning to show signs of closing in. How?

sigh...another thing to learn as parent to pre-teen going to teen.

Disappointed? Upset? Shortchanged? Sick...

I'm down with a bad throat and as usual, my voice is affected. Can sense it getting worse by the minutes. The medicine is making me so drowsy and weak.....or is it something else?

Well, we had gotten his result yesterday. His face sank when he saw it. I felt his anguish and frustration. Nevertheless, I hugged him and comforted him that at least he had pulled his Chinese grades up. I went out of the hall while he continued to mingle with his friends. I secretly teared but didn't want him to notice my disappointment. Sms-ed hubby and kids' godpa to inform them. All were shocked to hear of his result. Hubby was upset and didn't understand how it could hv gone wrong.

We went on the day as normal as it is. Received quite a few smses asking about his result. Had a nap after my medication. Then we spent some time opening up and sorting out all the toys, game cards and electronic games that I've brought back fm Beijing. Hubby called him while we were doing that and gave him a harsh lecture. Poor boy went back to his room and cried for some time. My heart cried with him...

I tried not to address the issue, but couldn't hold it in anymore this morning. So had a good lecture for both him and Matt. It is not about my disappointment, but their seriousness in whatever they do. The shock we got fm his result has proven that he had been taking things too lightly. Too nonchalant for too long that he has to finally pay a price for it. I've also been too patient and soft towards them. 慈母多败儿, it's time for me to toughen up and not take it too easy with them anymore. Will have to be strict and stern with them from now on, till they can prove to me that they've become an independent learners. It's gonna be a tough year ahead, with one new in secondary school, one new in primary school and one heading into the ever dreadful preparation towards PSLE. When will boys mature???

Parenthood is a tough journey that has no end. Everyday I'm learning something new and every corner turns up with new surprises. Will I hv the energy to sustain? sigh...

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Today's d day....

I just came back this morning after a 6hr flight. didn't manage to sleep well on flight. Had this woman sitting behind me (she wasn't even supposed to be sitting there!!) kept kicking my seat and when I just fell asleep, she woke me up saying she needs to go loo!!?? Come on la, she so big size that she cant slip herself out of her seat meh? it's an aisle seat leh!? and my seat wasn't even totally reclined. Cant stand such inconsiderate pple.

Will be going to school with Drew around 1130am for his PSLE result. Am keeping my fingers crossed and getting so excited! Really hope he'd done well and can go to a school of his choice.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Quick update..

I'm on my trip now, so 4th sis went with Dad for his doctor's appt. She updated that his blood tests results turn up very well. Doctor advised that he shall go ahead to finish off his 2nd cycle of this chemo treatment. And if the CT scan after this cycle turns out well, he can stop chemo therapy for the time being, and continue with monthly follow-up and review. So happy to hear this good news! Am sure Dad is feeling ecstatic!! >)

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Yippee!!

Finally I'm heading off for my long-awaited break. Without the kids of course! otherwise it won't be called a break ok?

Gonna be on a midnight flight. Hopefully there wont be too much noisy tourists or cranky babies onboard. Also my throat seems a little ticklish. Pray that I've not gotten the cold bugs fm the kids, or it's gonna ruin my trip again like last year!! Wish me luck!


Saturday, 8 November 2008

What a week!

It was such a hectic week!! Besides Monday, I was practically in and out of hospitals/clinics all the other weekdays!

Tuesday - Went NCC for Dad's usualy chemo session. But his platelets were low and he had to skip that session. And that was in the morning around 9+. Then we went over to Singhealth Polyclinic across fm NCC. Dad has his regular hypertension and diabetes checkup. He went for his glucose blood test, while I queued for his registration. That alone used up 30-40mins. Then comes the dragging part, waiting for his turn outside the doc's room. For heaven's sake, why can't polyclinic doctors/nurses/staff be better in terms of time management??? We spent a total of more than 4hrs queueing to see the doctor and then the nurse counsellor!! Ridiculous isn't it? By the time we went home, it was already 4+ in the afternoon. That's the end of my day...

Wednesday - Nic has his follow-up check-up at the KKH. Not sure if we were lucky or was it bcos it's still a school day. We managed to see the doc in less than 20mins and everything was over in under 1hr, including collection of medication. Impressive!! See the extreme difference between the 2 clinics?? Time for Singhealth polyclinic to learn from KKH.

Thursday - Matt's off from school for the day. So I decided to bring him to the PR polyclinic for a referral to KKH for a medical issue. It's a Thursday, which usually will not be extremely crowded for polyclinics. But still, registration alone was 25mins' wait, then waiting to see the doctor was another 1.5-2hrs. Even waiting for them to fix the appt with KKH took us another 25mins. I managed to finish 1/4 of my book while going thru all these waiting and waiting! Singhealth, please take note and look into yr clinics' efficiency. sigh...

Friday - Mum had her follow-up appt at CGH. The nurses at the registration counter is very 'cute'. They'll tell you upfront, "be prepared to wait for an hour"!? I looked around the waiting area, there wasn't many patients, so why need 1 hr? Anyway, we waited lor, what else to do? Then we met this 'young' doctor, who's probably around early or mid 30s. He was not good in Hokkien, so spoke briefly with Mum. Then he turned to me and switched to English to explain what they had done for her previously. I was quite annoyed with him bcos he kept using the word 'cancer' in the process of explaining that they did some biopsy on the cells retrieved fm Mum's stomach previously, and found no abnormal cells. Ya, I understand he had to reassure us that she does not hv cancer. But did he had to repeat it so many times?? He probably used the word like 6-7 times! I glanced at Mum and could see that she's beginning to show confusion on her face! When he ended, I told him, my Mum is a very negative person, could you please tell her in Mandarin that she does not hv cancer? His use of that word is kinda freaking her out!! So in the end, we spent about 3hrs there as well.

So that was how my week went. It's really tiring going around all these 'waiting game'! I wonder when my body will give way under these stresses. I WANT MY LIFE!!!

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

He never stops amazing me

Was reading a bedtime story with him. Then he flipped to the back cover of the book and started checking out the other stories fm the same series.

While browsing the stories, he saw the price tag of $3.50. He started asking me how many more books he needs to complete the series? Told him 7 books and he asked how much will that costs.

Me: You tell me. Since one book costs you $3.50, how much will 7 books be?

Nic: huh? haha...how to count?

Me: Just count like how yr teacher taught you.

Nic: hmm....(started mumbling to himself)..3, 6, 9, 12.....ok ok, I'll need $21! No no no, wait...(mumbling again)..it shd be $24.50!

Me: Amazing! So how much will the whole set including yr copy cost you?

Nic: ah....so I add another $3.50....that will be $28!

Me: .....

Our conversation lasted less than 3 minutes! And no, he's never been to any math or abacus enrichment classes. Neither hv I done any additional work with him at home. Well, I've ever questioned myself over it before, whether I'm doing enough for him. But decided that I shd let him enjoy his childhood and learn at his own pace. But he never stops amazing me.

First it was his reading. He's reading a lot earlier than his brothers, tho still lacking behind some genius kids who starts reading at 2yo la. Then it's his Chinese. Picking up strokes and HYPY in a breeze. Now it's his math!! I wonder if I could keep up with his pace. His brothers are 'kow tow-ing' to him already! haha... Maybe it's a good thing that he'll pose as a challenge to his bros to buck up a little. hee...

Guess he's lucky to have met good teachers in the last 3yrs while in his childcare. Mummy being very relaxed thru pregnancy with him probably contributed a little. Maybe the weekly cordycep soup while he was a foetus gave him some boost too? And I thk having a big head probably helped him most! haha....

被人误解最难受

不想多写, 只能说是自己的错。只想在这里做个记录,提醒自己,以后不管什么事都要三思而后行。讲什么写什么都好,都要想清想楚了才说才写。一旦被误解,就会留下一个烙印。。。

我是不是生就一副很容易被误解的样子呢?为什么我老是被别人误解呢?唉。。。

Sunday, 19 October 2008

My fav...

Found my favourite T-shirt while sorting out my wardrobe...



Hee...need I say more?



Friday, 17 October 2008

"Discovery"

Went cycling along the beach yesterday morning. Beautiful morning and I took quite a few pictures with my hp.

beautiful right? That's what I like about this side of the island. Away fm the urban rush and sometimes it can feel so serene, as if you're in the countryside or even relaxing at a resort. Think it'll take a lot of convincing before I'll even consider moving out of this area.


While I was finding my way out thru car park C, I chanced upon this little 'discovery'!
It's a small garden full of herbs, fruits and flowers. There are different types of kitchen herbs, some local fruits and 'vegetables' and some really beautiful flowers. It's a good place for kids to see, feel and smell these stuff that they usually only see in the markets or supermarkets.

While I was busy clicking away and looking amazingly at the greens, a 'retiree-lookalike' walked thru the little garden and greeted me. We chatted for a while and I found out that this 'garden' has been around for some time already. It's supported by NPB but manned by some volunteer residents in the area. wow! amazing!

Vehicle inspection

My mood has been totally dampened!

Sent the car to VICOM Changi for inspection. It's only 3yo and I dun understand why it needs an inspection if it has been serviced regularly by the agent. Anyway, when garment says so, we got to follow. First, it's the charges. Call me stingy la, but a 15-min inspection costs $58! not forgetting the 7% GST. Felt like the dengue mosquito sucking my blood.

Anyway, the car went thru 2 'machines' checking the wheels and then the headlights. The rest were done by the mechanics using their 'eyes'. And one of the mechanic came up to me and said,

"Excuse me? Is this yr car?"
"Yes."
"You see, yr back windows and windscreen has the tinted film. It's not the approved one."
"No, it cant be. We hv chosen the one which only blocks the ultra violet rays but not the view into the car, so it cant be wrong."
"No no, it's not the approved type. Yours is the reflective type and under the sun, you can see yr own image but not inside. So we hv to fail yr inspection."
"What? It is not reflective! You can definitely see inside."
"It is la, ma'am. We cannot let it pass."
"........"

I'm still not convinced by their explanation. There was another car which has windows looking darker than mine and it cleared the inspection. I really don't understand how the mechanics judge the 'reflectiveness' or 'clarity' of the film with their eyes. sigh...

After I left the inspection centre, I noticed that they've failed my headlights too!? What's wrong with it? It's original with the car, so how could it be wrong?? And I wasn't even given an explanation what was wrong or what changes need to be done to it!! Sick!

Everyday on the roads, I see so many cars with weird modifications, 'mirror-like' windows/windscreen, 'super power' headlights, with drivers speeding down expressways at 120kmh. But they never get booked by TP leh. Then poor law abiding driver with an all-original car cannot pass the inspection?! Ridiculous!

My fire's burning hot today!! >(

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

low white blood cells...so how?

Dad couldn't have his 3rd dose of chemotherapy yesterday because his blood test showed that his white blood cell count is low. I vaguely remember that when our white blood cell(wbc) number is high, it means we're having some form of infection and the body is producing more wbc to fight the infection. But what happens when it's low?

As far as I understand fm what I've read, the chemo drug targets all fast-growing cells in our body, which includes our skin cells, blood cells and hair cells. That is why patients going thru chemo experience hairloss, skin irritation and drop in their blood cell counts. So I guess this must be the reason why doc cancelled Dad's chemo ytd to prevent the drug fm reducing the wbc further. But how to help the body increase the no of wbc to its optimum level?

Anyway, Dad's been quite 'healthy' otherwise. His appetite is soooooooooo good that he's eating 4-5 meals a day. He's been eating so much till he start asking me, "Is this normal? Why do I keep getting hungry so easily?" haha... Told him that I'm happier seeing him eat than when he cant eat. He cant eat, I cant sleep! Now he's gone out to town with Mum, on their own! First time that they've gone out on their own without me (or any of my siblings) accompanying, since his hospitalisation in May. I'm confident he knows his body well, and he knows he can go about independently. Dad, jia you!

Now we'll just wait for next Tue for his CT scan. Then the doc will review it with us on 21 Oct. Hopefully this CT scan will show further improvement and he can be off chemo or be switched to a reduced frequency. Pray.

解脫...

此时,他应该已经完成了他PSLE的最后一科考试。这意味着他过去一年所有压力和辛勤的结束, 也为他6年的小学教育画上句号。孩子,你辛苦了!

孩子,我知道这一年非常艰苦,你也非常努力用功,我们为你感到非常骄傲。不管结果如何,我们都会继续支持你的。

We love you!

Friday, 3 October 2008

jia you my son!


my dearest son working 'hard' on some mock exam papers. Today the PSLE has started with the English paper. He is slightly above average in this subject, mainly bcos his written English is quite disorganised. Nonetheless, I've seen significant improvement and he has also shown signs of wanting to do better.


It's been a stressful year for him, I know. I've been reminding myself repeatedly to be patient and calm with him. But seeing how nonchalant he is sometimes, makes my blood pressure shoot up! I'm glad he's been quite cooperative in the last 2-3 weeks. I'm hoping that he'll remain focussed and finish off the rest of the papers smoothly.

Son, I've confidence in you and I know you'll make it if you put yr heart to it. And I'm waiting to see that you really put yr heart to what you're doing. Prove it to yourself, that you can if you want to. We're behind you all the way. We love you!



are all old pple like that?

jus overheard my parent's mini 'squabbling' again. Dad woke up fm his nap at the sofa. Saw Mum's quilting fabrics at the other side of the sofa, and casually asked, "what are the fabrics doing there?" Mum got so sensitive and started raising her voice!? "I was just arranging them in order, what has it got to do with you? Some fabric on the sofa, got in yr way meh? Your eyes cant even bear a tiny little dirt ah!" ???!!! Dad went silent....

I'm wondering, are all old folks like that? or is it my mum? her temper seems to be getting worse these days. And the most upsetting thing is, she's taking it out on Dad. Her poor hearing does not help either. Sometimes Dad tries to tell her something, she'll 'mis-hear' it and start arguing with him. Then when she's unhappy with anything that we (the children) do, she 'dare' not tell us off, but grumble to my Dad instead. Just feel so unfair for Dad. There he is, cant bear to see her worry and decided not to let her know the truth about his illness, then has to take all these nonsense fm her. sigh...it's so unfair.

anyway, there's just no way to change my Mum. She's been so stubborn since the day I understand things. I've grown up wondering why she's not like other mothers. I've tried explaining and talking sense to her, with her always 'agreeing' to my explanations. But in the end, she still stick to her own viewpoint. I'm beginning to give up explaining things to her, or showing her more objective views. I thot I'm stubborn, but she's many times more than me. sigh...

but then again, if it's someone outside of the family that tells her something, she'll believe it 101%!? funny hor? but that's just my Mum lor.

Thursday, 2 October 2008

Stress and retail therapy....

...am very stressed, for obvious reason. Tomorrow's THE DAY! am keeping my fingers and toes all crossed and hope that he'll keep his focus and attempt his paper properly. There's nothing I can do anymore except giving him my mental support. All the best to him.

...being stressed is the best excuse to SHOP! hee...cant go out much, so how? Online shopping's the answer!! spent nearly $100 already on online shopping. Gonna stop clicking the pages or the bills gonna shoot up!!!

6 more days to my freedom...............

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

...

it's only 23 more days to the actual PSLE....I'm cold-sweating!! but how come the actual candidate in my house is still so happy-go-lucky leh?? I wonder how long more will he be 'lucky'? Has been trying to 'wake' him since last year, but till now, he's still so relaxed. What else can I do????

sigh...my hands are cold, my feet are cold, my heart is palpitating....arrrgggghhhhhhhhhh.........

luckily I'll hv a year's break before I face this same ordeal again in 2010. I need to 滋润进补 and nourish myself before the next battle. Hopefully the second time round will be easier. sigh...

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

no mood....

Gosh! Jus realised I haven't blogged for more than a month! no specific reason. Jus no mood. No mood to think, no mood to write, no mood to do anything. anyway, time flies. A month jus passed like that. but actually a lot of things have happened over the month. Jus no mood to record them down. maybe later.....yawn....

Saturday, 2 August 2008

emotions...

...sometimes just creeps up fm nowhere and overwhelms one.

was browsing some online fashion stores looking for suitable dress for niece's wedding in Dec. Suddenly a thot just creeped up fm nowhere. Will Dad be able to live up till her wedding??? Fear just engulfed me....

I know it's very negative of me to think this way. But I dunno. As much as I try to be positive and 'pray' that miracle will happen, I can't help but hv this fear that he'll not be with us for very long. Never hv I ever felt that my parents meant so much to me till this thing happened. I realise I am so afraid of losing them. I hate myself for not spending enough time with them. I hate myself for being so defiant when I was younger. I hate myself for being so helpless......

Just called Dad and spoke to him. 3rd sis drove them out for lunch at Changi V this afternoon. And he just had home cooked dinner. He sounded very cheerful. Made me recall what he said to me 2 days ago. He said, if he doesn't get cured, at least he knows he has tried but Heaven thinks his time is up. He'll just need to leave his final words on a couple of things, then his last wish is for a quick and easy end. He said he has no regrets and he is very happy to know that he has raised righteous and filial children and even grandchildren. He is at peace with life now and he will be ready when the time is up, although he is not giving up as yet.

As his daughter, it pains me to hear him say such things. But it's also relieving to know that he has come to terms with the whole thing. I'm not so sure about myself tho. As it is, I dun think I've come to terms with the whole issue and I'm not sure if I'll be calm enough to let him go when the time is here. I'm so scared.............

Chicken pox!!


Nic had slight fever on Wed night thru Thu morning. We thot it's just the common cold since he had some sniffing too. Ina found quite a number of red spots on his legs and cheek and we thot he was attacked by mosquitoes.

Then on Thu night, we found more red spots on his groin and neck. On close inspection, I was certain it's chicken pox though the blister hasn't appeared yet. Brought him to GP first thing on Fri morning. It was confirmed with the first blister showing on his forehead just hiding behind his hairline!

Luckily, the older boys had their taste of chicken pox already when they were much younger. I had mine some 15yrs ago. Mum also supposedly had her chicken pox and even the shingles. But Dad is not sure if he had it before. Checked with the GP and the NCCS hotline, and they all suggested separating Dad fm Nic as Dad's immunity is low and any form of infection may cause more serious problems. So out of desperation, had to send Dad (and Mum of course) to eldest sis' house. They've lived there prior to moving in with me, so that's where they felt most comfortable going back to. They'll hv to stay there till Nic's chicken pox all dried up (probably in a weeks' time) and certified non-contagious. Then I'll fetch them back again. Sorry.

Back to the little one. Never have I known that he's such a vain pot! He's so concious about the pox surfacing on his face! I've warned him to abstain fm scratching as breaking the blisters may mean leaving a possible permanent scar on his skin. This little devil took it so seriously, that he's getting upset over every new spot we found on him! haha...dunno to laugh or cry. This is a boy we're talking about and he's so concious over his looks. But that's quite like Drew when he was young (or even now).

Anyway, thus far, his outbreak is still quite alright. We counted 44 spots as of last night. Dunno if it's the anti-viral medicine (cost me $45 a bottle!!) that the GP prescribed, or his is just not a very full blown chicken pox. Or maybe it's the chicken pox vaccination he had in 2003 that's suppressing it to a smaller scale outbreak? But..but...isn't the vaccination suppose to prevent him fm getting it at all?? So much for trusting all these vaccinations!? They dun work all the time either. sigh...

Now I have headache. I'll be striped to this little monster for 24/7 for a WHOLE WEEK!!! or even more if his pox takes longer to dry up. What am I to do with a little devil who goes around saying he's bored every half hour?? OH MY GOD!!

Friday, 1 August 2008

2nd cycle started

Dad saw his doctor on Tue, and his blood tests results all turned out well. This means his body has not been badly affected by the chemo drug and he can continue to go on the 2nd cycle. Arrangement was made and he had the 1st dose on the same day. Everything went well during treatment and Dad was high spirited.


His appetite seems so good the last whole week, maybe bcos it's the rest wk of his chemo cycle. He's been asking for different things. He wanted to eat the Telok Kurau hokkien fried prawn noodle but twice we went there, they were closed. So we had the famous Beach Rd prawn/pork rib beehoon soup. Then he asked for pork kidney and I cooked it twice in a week for him. On Monday he actually asked for pig's heart! So I bought one and double-boiled with American ginseng for him. The way he craved for food is a bit like a preggie mommy's craving leh. haha... but it's great to see him craving for food. It's definitely better than seeing him no appetite and chewing bread with milk only. Hope his appetite will continue to be good.

Monday, 28 July 2008

PSLE

PSLE Prelim is just 21 days away and my dear Drew is still so relaxed, so nonchalant and so happy-go-lucky. I wonder when his luck is gonna run out!? He's a smart boy and grasps whatever he's taught very quickly. But his lack of focus is gonna pull him down if he doesn't work on it. I've done whatever I can. Nag, counsel, scold, psycho, threaten......whatever you can think of. If only he would 'wake up' now and put in the extra effort to revise and push himself that extra step forward, he'll do well. but.......

sigh...

now hub is making them read to him in the study. they'll only sit up straight when their father starts talking very seriously. He's still the one they fear even tho he never cane or discipline them, and always playing a fool with them. Guess they've found my weakness and knows how to play around it to get their way out of any disciplinary action fm me. But when hub gets serious, they know it's no time for fun.

the number of grey hair on my head is increasing fast. so fast I cant even cover it with hairdye fast enough! faint!

It's P1 registration for Nic!

Time flies! My littlest devil is already 6yo and it's the time of the year for P1 registration. Had registered him at C Pri thru siblings registration at Phase 1. But we've decided to withdraw and send him to EP Pri instead. Simple reason. I dun want to be driver for another 6 years!!! EP Pri is within walking distance, so will be a lot more convenient. Both schools are neighbourhood schools, so shd be no difference ba. Anyway, it is not the school that makes the difference, but the child himself and the family support that's more important. Ok, I'm comforting myself and reassuring my choice. hee...

Update..


Last week was a rest week for Dad's chemotherapy cycle. Initial few days he was still having quite a bit of water retention, esp on his feet. They were so swollen and he had problem walking properly. His appetite was bad and he felt tired and had chills.
By Tue/Wed, his water retention subsided and he was more energetic. He could walk around more freely and had lesser problem walking up the stairs. Yesterday bro fetched them to town. It's been nearly a month since Dad went to the temple. He must hv missed his flowers and plants there so much.
His appetite also returned, but it's like one meal he'll be able to eat better, then the next meal he'll only have a beverage and bread/biscuits. Didn't want to force him bcos I know he will eat if he is up to it. Like the last 3 days, he's been eating quite well. Had chicken rice on Sat, Henghua food on Sun and 'kway chap' today!
The tiring part is having to constantly remind Mum not to nag so much at Dad. She's doing it out of concern, but it just irritates Dad. Just got to keep talking to her and reminding her.
Tomorrow Dad will be going for his doctor's appointment. If his blood test results are ok, he'll start his 2nd cycle on Wed. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that all is well.
Oh, he just had his hair cut this afternoon. So neat and tidy, and he still look good despite losing quite a lot of weight.
Pray that he'll be able to take the 2nd cycle as well as the 1st.

Sunday, 20 July 2008

忍一时 风平浪静
退一步 海阔天空
this is a reminder to myself.

ok, I'm sorry if I've snapped yesterday. To whoever, for whatever reason. Stress? maybe. Medication? possible. Tired? highly likely. I think I found the reason for the stupid eczema on my face. and fyi, I hate my hair!!

Nothing seems to be going well. I need time to come to a standstill. I need more time for all that I need to do. I'm running out of time. I WANT TO RUN AWAY!!! I'm a lousy daughter, lousy wife, lousy mother, lousy woman......I'm feeling so lousy. sigh.....


Tuesday, 15 July 2008

Nice to hear them squabbling again

Ya, sounds funny right? But in time like this, it's always nice to hear Dad and Mum squabbling over trivial matters again. This means Dad is fine! hee...

Dad's pain lasted about 2 days and it subsided by Sunday afternoon. The hot pack helped in soothing his pain. But he was still lethargic and not much appetite. Bro bought Henghua noodles and stew tofu for him and he ate about 3/4 soup bowl of a mixture of the two. In the evening, he only wanted sweet potato soup. When Mum came back around 9plus, she insisted that he ate something else before he slept. So I made him the multigrain cereal that sis bought and gave him a slice of bread to go with it.

Dad said the whole Saturday night, Mum was fussing over him. Everytime he woke up to go toilet, she'll get up and walk behind him!! Guess she's really worried that he might fall down. Poor her, cant even rest properly.

Sunday, 13 July 2008

In pain...

Jus when we thot everything looks fine, Dad woke up with aching right leg yesterday. He had pain on the side of his right knee and foot. Took him quite a bit of effort to walk downstairs and even going to the toilet, he needed Mum's help. But he didn't complain much, and didn't want to take pain killer when I offered him. Got a hot pack fm the pharmacy to help sooth the pain. It worked for short term relief.

His appetite is also getting bad. I tried talking him into eating small meals or at least drink milk to keep up his nutrition. Can see that he's forcing himself to down the food that we give him. Checked and he confirmed that his throat and mouth are fine, no sores or anything. Just that he doesn't feel hungry or urge to eat at all.

Then it's his skin. Getting very dry and itchy. As I've told him not to scratch, he jus 'strokes' his hands and legs when the itch comes. This also caused his skin to have a rash. The inner side of his arms, thighs and body are all big patches of redness. Looking at it already send my skin itching, wonder how Dad could withstand it. Bought Cetaphil cleansing lotion for his shower and applied Jergens super heal moisturising lotion for him. His skin seems less flaky and he said the itch is lesser. But wondering if he's just saying it so that I wont be so worried. Also checked with Cat last night and confirmed that it shd not be allergic reaction to any medicine.

Thankfully this time round, Dad has no fever. Though he felt a bit 'warm' in the afternoons, but temperature checks record no fever. One consolation. Jus hv to continue monitoring him.

I think the word WORRIED is definitely 'written' all over my face. Dad seems to be reassuring me again and again that he's not worried and he's positive about the whole treatment. He kept telling me not to be worried. Do I really look very worried? Maybe...


Thursday, 10 July 2008

Feeling good...


Dad had his 2nd dose of chemotherapy yesterday. Can feel that he's more relaxed this round. Probably he's more prepared and knows what to expect already. We even had mee siam before going up to the treatment suite. He said this 2nd dose seems 'smoother' than the 1st one. He didn't feel any pain or burning sensation when the drug was administered. In fact he managed to take a quick nap! That was something positive right? After the treatment, we had lunch out with Mum and Drew. Dad could finish the whole bowl of Teochew fish porridge which I ordered for him. Glad that his appetite is still ok. He had a nap in the afternoon and didn't had any side effects at all.

This morning he only woke up around 8am. He told me that he has removed the wedge cushion last night and managed to sleep thru the night without any cough. Looks like the water retention in his right lung has subsided. Good news! Having had a good night's rest, Dad was so energetic and happy today. Eldest sis and 3rd sis came to have lunch with us. Dad managed to finish 3/4 plate of chicken rice and half cup of coffee. Seeing him so energetic and good appetite, we also felt relieved. In the afternoon, he didn't nap much as he didn't feel tired. He even ate the ondeh ondeh and kueh kosui which I bought fm Bengawan Solo. He happily told me that he believe the medicine is working effectively, that's why his cough has reduced and he's not feeling lethargic. Let's hope he's right.

Pray, pray, pray for a miracle to happen! I pray for him to live a few more years to witness Char's wedding and Seth's graduation. Pray............

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

another worry...

Yesterday on the way sending Mum to clinic, chatted with her about Dad. She's worried about the water retention in his lungs and I was trying to explain to her to calm her. But she surprised me when she said that she's wondering if the growth in Dad's lung was cancer??!! Was shocked, but got to hide my feelings by telling her not to think too much.

Then this afternoon spoke to 2nd sis and she said Mum told her the same thing! Mum said that her fren's late husband had the same problem and was diagnose as cancer. She even said that the treatment was similar. hmm....now I'm wondering if Mum has actually guessed that we're lying to her, or maybe she thot that the doctors didn't tell us the truth??

sigh....wonder how she'll react when she knows the truth? headache.....

Tired

Feeling so exhausted. Seemed so busy last few days. Monitoring Dad's fever and thankfully it subsided pretty quickly and he's feeling better now after using the wedge cushion to sleep the last few days. His cough is lesser and 'shorter' too. But his appetite is still so-so and weight seems to be going down still. Tomorrow he'll be going for the 2nd dose of the chemo cycle. Pray that his body will take it as well as the 1st dose.

Kids are still so nonchalant about their school work. Looks like I got to start the total ban on their games again! They're running so short of time but not kancheong at all. Or are they stressed out that they choose to ignore the timeline? hmm...whatever it is, I think I still have to put more pressure on them. Rather they suffer now, than to suffer the results of their attitude later.

Feeling so lethargic. Better go pop my multivits and ginseng tea. I CANT AFFORD TO FALL SICK!!!! Not at least till after Oct.....sad hor?

Friday, 4 July 2008

no good...

This morning Dad seemed fine, so I brought him out for coffee and toast. After he came back, he seemed a bit breathless. Then he napped on the sofa till about 2pm. He said he has no appetite, so jus ate a slice of bread and coffee. Then went back to sleep again. Jus now he woke up to go to the loo and told me that he's still feeling breathless and feverish too. Took his temperature and it was 38.6 degree Celsius. Gave him 2 panadol and now he's resting on his recline chair. Gonna monitor his fever closely and hopefully it'll subside.

sigh...

Thursday, 3 July 2008

Do people still proofread or edit stuff??!!

Can you see what's wrong with this 歇后语? I was quite surprise to spot the mistake bcos this 歇后语 was in this primary guide book published by a long standing Chinese school/guide books publisher! How can they mix up the 布料的布 and 脚步的步?? It's totally different thing! Gosh! 真是误人子弟啊!!

Then yesterday, while flipping the newspapers, I spotted something else that made me burst out laughing!!

Can you see what's wrong with the word that I 'boxed' out in red?? And again, this is a magazine that's meant for primary kids. And to think the editors can make a mistake even on such simple things, I really have doubts about the accuracy of the contents. and the more surprising thing is, this mag is endorsed by BBC!?

Found this on the web:
pro·jec·tor
1. an apparatus for throwing an image on a screen, as a motion-picture projector or magic lantern.
2. a device for projecting a beam of light.

pro·trac·tor
1. A semicircular instrument for measuring and constructing angles.

I wonder if I should write in to both publishers and 'wake' them up! They both obviously hv proofreaders and editors who've been sleeping on their job. Or maybe they've been so underpaid that they just can't be bothered to check. hmm.......

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Chemo started

Monday, 30 Jun - Dad went back to Nat'l Cancer Centre (NCCS) for pre-chemo CT scan and blood test. Pretty smooth process and all was done within 2hrs.


Tuesday, 1 Jul - Appt with Dr Tan E H at NCCS. He reviewed Dad's CT scan results and compared with the previous one done in April. Fortunately, there was no sign of any increase in the cancer cells in the lungs. However, some fluid retention was seen in his right lung. Though there is no cause for concern now, but will hv to be careful as it means more prone to lung infection. Dad was very excited to hear that there's no changes to the cancer cells. He kept asking me to confirm what he heard was right. Doc confirmed he can proceed to hv his first round of chemotherapy, then back to see him again at the end of the month. Pray all will go smoothly for Dad.


Today we went down to NCCS' Jasmine Suite for Dad's first chemo treatment. Dad looked a bit tense while we were waiting, even though he kept telling me he's fine. He kept 'comforting' himself by telling me that there're a lot of others 'suffering' the same fate as him. Many are even younger than him. So he's not alone, and we should not be too worried for him.

We waited for about 45mins before Dad's queue number was flashed. Accompanied him into the treatment suite. It's big, with individual 'cubicles' with recliner chairs, and a small area with a few beds. It's quite cosy and the staff are friendly. We were attended by this young nursing staff, Looi W T. A soft-spoken, bubbly young lady whom I find sounds a bit like Seth's gf, Joey, and looked a bit like niece Qian Hao. Dad agrees too! She was very patient and explained the procedure to us and advice us on symptoms to look out for, when to call for doc's advice and what precautions to take.

She proceeded to set the 'plug' for Dad, at the same time advising him what 'exercise' to do to prevent his veins fm collapsing after a few treatments. First she 'ran' some saline thru the plug, then she started injecting 2 medicine thru the plug to help prevent nauseas. Dad didn't feel anything fm these medications. Finally came the main 'dish'. It's a pack of 1560mg of Gemcitabine, connected to a machine and introduced into the blood stream at a speed of 650ml/hr. Sounds technical. Next time I'll take a picture of the machine. Dad felt a little bit of burning sensation at the beginning, then it became like ants biting (he described it that way). Nurse Looi quickly gave him a hot pack and laid it at his forearm where the drip was flowing in. It soothed the area and shortly after Dad said the ant bite sensation was gone. The pack of drug took about half hour to finish. The removal of the plug was done so gently and swiftly, we were out of the treatment suite within 5mins after the drip finished. She's good! Hopefully we'll get the same nurse again next week.

As we walked out of the treatment suite, I can feel the lightness in Dad's steps. It feels like a heavy burden was removed fm his shoulders. I guess he must hv been worrying and 'guessing' how the treatment will be like the past weeks. Now that he's gone thru the first session and things aren't as bad as we thought, the burden is off. He could even walk directly to the car park with us!

He requested for pork kidney mee-suah for lunch. So we fetched Mum, Drew and 4th sis & Fenru and proceeded to Tampines Mall for lunch. He seemed happy and was chatty during lunch. After we went home, he had some cough and then had a nap on the sofa till about 4+pm. When he woke up then he told me that he was quite breathless and coughing quite badly when we came back after lunch. But after the nap, he felt his chest 'loosened' and he's breathing better. so he guessed it must be the medicine that's working on his lungs already. Is this psychological?? or really the 'battle' has started betw the med and the cancer cells?? Whatever it is, it's good that he's thinking positively.

Anyway his appetite was still alright at dinner. And he was quite energetic and could stay up till about 9pm chatting with 3rd sis, BIL and Dehao.

Pray pray pray....pray all will be smooth and he'll hv minimum side effects fm the treatment. Pray pray pray pray..............

Monday, 30 June 2008

OH MY GOD!!!!!

...our hamster Brownie has a baby!!! or shd I say, it's one now, but may hv more later!!!



wanted to change the feeds for them, then suddenly I noticed there's a small 'thing' wriggling on the bedding! IT'S A BABY HAMSTER!!!! just about 2cm long, furless skin, pinkish colour and a little bit scary to be exact! Arrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh................ YES, I really screamed! and I cant remember how many times hv I said "OH MY GOD" since I saw the bb. really, OH MY GOD!

Now the rest of the 'community' has been extricated fm the cage and sent to their 'holiday home' aka their old cage! hee... Let's see if Brownie will hv more babies in the second half of the evening.

Now, how to take care of bb hamsters?? as if I'm not busy enough...sigh....

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

I cant believe it...

..my son got angry with me after I told him to discard an injured lizard outside the gate!!!

Last night Drew was showering and a lizard fell into the shower and was 'injured' by the hot water. He got Matt to help remove the lizard. It was not moving but gasping for air. So I told Matt to leave it somewhere outside the gate to recuperate on its own. Later Matt came to me with teary eyes and asked if he could keep the injured lizard in a jar till it recovers, before letting it go. I tried explaining to him that it's quite unheard of to keep lizard!? He got so upset with me and refused to talk to me. He claimed that the ants will attack the injured lizard if left on its own. And true enough, when we checked on the lizard later, it was lying dead on the grass patch with ants crawling all over it. This made him more upset and was sniffing away with teary eyes!

I sms hub and told him, "yr chubby angry with me over an injured lizard! Jus bcos I told him to throw it out of the gate!?"

Hub replied: "Haha..next time you step on an ant he will crush you with his bear hug!"

haha...

That's how much he loves animals, of all kinds!

Saturday, 21 June 2008

i'm falling sick...

Head feeling heavy, nose stuffy, throat itchy...catching a cold I think. Have been taking Panadol for Cold and leftose last 2 days. No appetite and feeling so listless. sian....

Thursday, 19 June 2008

few things...

Just a couple of things to update in a rush...













13 Jun - A big THANK YOU to GG, Evo and Jol! Sorry to abbreviate yr names. But don't you find it more 亲切 this way? hee.. You've really brought the Sun into my home and warmth into my heart. Thank you for being there for me during this tough period. I've kept the sms-es that you've sent and will look at them whenever I feel down. They've been very encouraging and it's great to know that you're thinking and cares about me. 衷心感激!






14 Jun - Had a simple Father's Day celebration with my siblings and nieces and nephews. Though not everyone was here, but it was a good get-together. Took this snapshot with Dad, eldest sis and 4th sis. Felt so loved when Dad place his hand around my shoulder. As I've said, he's such a traditional Chinese man, he hardly shows his affection towards us. I guess the discovery of his illness has brought all of us even closer together, and he also realised that we all love him very very much. Dad, we want to celebrate many many more Father's Day with you. Be strong and we'll fight the battle with you.

17 Jun - Overheard Dad calling his niece-in-law in China. He told her about his illness briefly as Mum was around. Then later he went upstairs and called his cousin and told him too. He kept telling them not to worry, everything will be fine after treatment. Even told them that he'll go back and visit them next year after he recovers and regain more strength. Felt very happy that he's so positive, but at the same time feel so worried that he might be disappointed when his condition deteriorates. sigh...I feel so helpless.

18 Jun - Had breakfast with Dad on our usual weekly marketing trip. Dad's favourite is soft-boil eggs, toasted bread and coffee. While eating, I was reminding him that he should refrain fm eating soft-boil eggs once he starts chemo since doctor has specifically said all his food has to be properly and thoroughly cooked. Then I told him not to worry as I've heard of a friend's mother being diagnosed of stage 4 lung cancer and still managed to live more than 3 years with chemo. I'm sure he'll be able to pull thru this ordeal. He said very positively in Chinese, "I am not worried, why do you all get so worried for me? Living up to my age, having all my children and grandchildren so close to me, I'm very contented already. If I am cured, it is a bonus. If not then it's just destined that I've lived enough." Hearing his words I've to fight back my tears. Dad, you're so strong! We've really under-estimated your ability to handle all these. I feel even more guilty for keeping it from you initially. I'm sorry...

19 Jun - Ha! Something that put a bright smile on Dad's and Mum's face. Dad strike 4D!! Tho not very much, but he's happy! Drove him to claim the prize money just now and he was joking and laughing with Mum the whole journey. Glad that he's laughing.

However, while walking up the stairs, he told me that he's beginning to feel breathless. And he checked his weight this morning, it's only 50.5kg!! He's been losing weight since his discharge even though his appetite has been really good. Can see some silent frustration on his face. I really feel so so so helpless. What can I do to help him? Gonna buy more Vit B Complex and Iron tablets for him this afternoon. He's already started on his Lingzhi and I dunno what else can I make for him to build up his strength. He needs to be stronger before he starts his chemo. what can I do what can I do what else can I do???

Friday, 13 June 2008

Should I be happy?

I'm 40 today. But I don't feel any happiness on this day. In fact I feel very empty. Nic snuggled into my bed this morning, jus as I was waking up, to give me a kiss and a "Happy Birthday"! He beat dh to it! haha.. He's such a sweet boy, tho he can be such a devil too!! hee...

Went to Nat'l Cancer Centre with Dad on Wed. As arranged, the oncologist told Dad his condition. What saddened me was that he also told Dad the stage and that the treatment is just to control the cancer cells and prolong his life only. Dad was extremely calm and quiet when told of all these. But Sis and I were quite upset and confused at the same time. The doc also explained the procedure of the chemotherapy to us. Dad simply said ok to the treatment, no questions asked. Now everything's been arranged. Dad will do another CT scan on 30 Jun, see the oncologist again on 1 Jul and start his chemotherapy on 2 Jul. They will be using just one medicine on a 28-day cycle for him. Which means he'll have one injection on day 1 (2 Jul), another at day 8 (9 Jul) and a third on day 15 (16 Jul). After that he'll rest for 2 weeks and back to see the oncologist again on day 28 (29 Jul). If all is well, he'll start another cycle as above. At the end of 2 cycles, they'll do another CT scan to check on the progress and determine whether to carry on with the same drug or to change.

When we stepped out of the oncologist's room, the first thing Dad said was: "Don't tell your mum. She'll get all upset and worried unnecessarily." We tried to comfort Dad but instead he told us not to worry, he's fine. He said: "I'm ok, don't worry. Doctors always exaggerate the condition just so that we will be compelled to return for the treatments. I'll be fine la." I was not sure if Dad was really so calm and positive about it, or he's just putting up a front for us. But I know for sure, Dad is not someone who'll cry his sorrows out. He's really a traditional Chinese man who'll never shed a tear in front of anyone.

Anyway, the last 2 days he's still as per normal. Eating normally, sleeping normally. He's very careful not to discuss anything about his condition when Mum is around. That shows how much he loves and cares about her. I tried convincing him to do a trip to his hometown Putian in Fujian, China, but he refused. He said no point going now since he's not feeling well and cant move around for long periods, he'll go next year when he's recovered. Then I tried coaxing him about the China trip again yesterday and he told me this: "我知道你想什么.我没担心,你们也不需要担心.等明年我身体好些我们再回去(中国).如果真的有什么,也是没法子的事,不要太在意..."!!?? sigh...this sets me thinking whether he understood exactly what the oncologist told him? or he's really very positive and gonna fight and win a good battle? I pray, I wish, I hope it's the latter.

Anyway, Dad, I'm so proud of you. We've definitely under-estimated your strength. I will try my best to remain strong and support you in whatever way you may need. And most importantly, I want you to know that I LOVE YOU, ever so deeply.....

Tuesday, 10 June 2008

fear....

will be going to Nat'l Cancer Centre tomorrow morning with Dad. My mind is quite blank. It's filled with fear I think. Pray....I'm thinking. But pray to who? I've no faith in anything. Nothing can give me an answer to all the 'whys' I have in my mind.

The medical social worker spoke to me this morning and she had helped me email the oncologist whom we'll be seeing tomorrow. She explained our situation to him and asked for his assistance to break the news to Dad in the softest way possible. However, he turned down our request to keep from Dad the stage of the illness as it's against his professional ethics. He will hv to tell if Dad ask about it. Can understand his difficulties. He has to respect his patients and be 100% honest with them.

This afternoon was going through some photo albums with Mum. It's those photos taken early last year when Dad, bro, SIL, BIL and cousin went to Xiamen, China. For a moment I was in shock! Dad looked so different in the pictures! He was much fleshier and his cheeks were more chubby. I turned to look at Dad, sitting on his arm chair in singlet and his boxer. 我的心好酸.... he looked so frail, his skin so wrinkled and his cheeks all sunken. I feel so guilty. Why didn't I realise earlier that he's losing weight? Why didn't I realise earlier that he's becoming so frail? Why didn't I pay more attention on him? Why? why? why? why????

I am so afraid of losing him. I am so afraid of losing him. I am so afraid of losing him.............

Monday, 9 June 2008

laughter and tears do mix

Kids' school holidays is already into the 3rd week. Had a chat with Drew's FT and she was 'hinting' very directly that I shd start him on his preparation/revision for PSLE already. Gosh! It's just June!? but then again, he really need to start early since he's always taking his own sweet time. Moreover he didn't push himself to his potential during SA1, so we really need to push push push push....sigh...

Now I hear 3 kids, 10, 10 and 12, playing TOYS in their bedroom!! yup, my older boys with their cousin. My boys used to fight a lot with this cousin, Ru, simply bcos she's a girl! Now I think they're ok to involve her in their games already. dun ask me how they managed to sort things out?! it's kids' stuff.

anyway, talk to Dad last wk with 4th sis. Told him doc said he has tumour in his lungs and lymph nodes and there are 'bad' cells, and may need to hv chemo treatment. Very careful not to use the C word. His reaction came as a surprise (or shd I say a confusion) to us. He was so calm and just said "ok lor, then we go see the specialist lor." He didn't question anything like we had expected. Neither did he exclaim or anything. He only grumbled that the docs didn't say anything while he was in hospital, then now suddenly come back and say that there's bad cells and all. Yet they still cant tell him why he just cant stop coughing. Sis and I actually didn't know what else to say bcos this was not the reaction we've expected, or preparing ourselves for. So we just left it as that.

Seeing him cough really pains me. The cough comes and goes, but whenever it comes, it'll be so bad that he's like choking! His face turns all red and he seems so out-of-breath. He's been telling me this 2 days that his right chest hurts whenever he coughs. I'm wondering if it's bcos of his cough, or has his cancer cells started to spread more rapidly?? I'm scared....



Wednesday, 4 June 2008

today is the day

Don't ask me why I choose today. I also don't know. Probably it's exactly a week fm Dad's appt at Nat'l Cancer Centre. Probably it's long enough for him to digest the truth before seeing the doctor, but also short enough to cause the least pain? But whatever, it's definitely gonna cause him pain and worries. We're praying that he'll not go into despair.

We're taking the advice of the medical social worker which 4th sis and I met about 2 wks ago. We'll tell him it's tumour with some bad cells that doctor suggested using chemotherapy to treat it. It's a delicate task as we'll hv to observe his reaction and decide how much to divulge. Whether or not he'll guess the truth out of what we're gonna tell him. Tough job. Gonna be tougher than being a psychiatrist or counsellor. My mind will hv to go very fast, faster than Dad to guess what he'll ask and how to answer him. Thankfully 4th sis will be with me and we can 'cover' for each other when either one falls short of words or gets too emotional to talk.

Dad's cough has been getting worse. Even the cough mixture is not of much help now. Whenever the cough starts, he'll cough till his face goes all red and nearing gagging. Seeing him that way really cuts deep into my heart. Even in the middle of the night, I'll startle up fm my sleep when I hear his cough. I hate cough myself, and I know how uncomfortable it is. He just told me yesterday that the cough is getting worse and now when the cough gets too hard, he'll feel the pain in his abdomen muscles as he coughs. Dad, I wish I can relief all these for you with a magic wand. But I cant. I feel so useless.

Went to get additional supply of the cough mixture fm the GP yesterday. He was the one who first raised the suspicion over Dad's swollen lymph nodes in early April. Told him about Dad's diagnosis and consulted him on the need for second opinion. He told me the specialist, Dr Tan E H whom Dad will be seeing next wk was his classmate in medical school and has more than 15yrs of experience in oncology. He feels that Dr Tan is someone whom we can hv confidence in treating Dad. However, if we insist on having second opinion or alternative TCM treatment, we can still request for an additional set of all the CT scan films fm SGH. This way, Dad will not hv to endure going thru another round of all the radiative investigations. Will keep his suggestion in mind in case we need to seek alternative treatment.

anyway, keeping my fingers and toes crossed now. hope that everything will go smoothly when we talk to Dad this afternoon. Hope he'll take it well and stay positive and strong to face it. Dad, we'll all be behind you. Stay strong!

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

I feel so painful. why are my well intentions all being misunderstood? why when I tried to consider everyone's feelings and take care of their emotions, yet nobody cares about mine? does anybody understand the position I'm in? does anybody care?

I want to cry my heart out with the rain. but can I?