what the hell??

somebody asked why I looked so unhappy and angry on my father's 100th day prayers??! Did somebody or something made me angry or what?

goodness! do you expect me to be smiling, laughing and joking away to 'celebrate' the 100th day after my father's passing? am I suppose to be happy about losing him?? what the .....

nobody can understand the pain I'm going through. and I cant even cry it out as and when I like simply bcos mum is with me. I cry, she'll cry too. Suppressing one's feelings is the worse thing in the world.

that's why I hate gatherings now. I hate meeting people and have to suppress my feelings and put up a front. I wish i can lock up in the room all by myself.

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!

大姑妈走了。。。

received a call just now and it's from hubby's 大表哥, bringing the dreadful news of his mum's passing.

I feel so guilty. We have not visited her for like coming 2yrs? They live in JB. It's not that far, but there just seems to be so many things that's holding us back. Have told hub that we should pay her a visit, but never got around to it. After Dad's passing, I mentioned it again and said she's getting old, better visit her while she's well. And now.........

A 70+ old lady, who's had a very tough life. But she's got amazing memory and very cheerful. She could remember all my 3 kids' birthday, both on the lunar and solar calendars. And she never needed reminder of their names, even though we only visited her periodically. She sees them as her own grandchildren. She's a really nice and simple lady.

We're gonna miss her dearly. 大姑妈您安息吧。

I need a compass....

....cos I'm so lost....


2mths already, and I dunno what have I been doing. Things are piling up, papers all over and so many things to sort out and settle, yet I dunno what I'm doing. My mind seemed so empty and I dunno where to start. I need a guide, an arrow to point me the direction.

We miss you so much.

Does it resemble?

Dad's favourite recliner chair

And the paper recliner we burnt for him. Does it resemble?

As per Taoist customary, we have prayer for Dad on 1st, 3rd, 5th and 7th week of his death at the crematorium. We usually will buy some paper offerings such as 'gold', 'silver' and 'hell notes' and burn for him.

Today is the 5th week, and we had the prayer as usual. We know he'll 'need' his favourite recliner, so we got him a replica. Cool right? Anything you want, they'll produce for you. We had, during his funeral, burnt mahjong set, DVD player, LCD TV, portable CD player, mobile phone, passport, air ticket, motorcycle, a 'Mercedes Benz' and a 3-storey house!! And 30 over huge bags of 'gold', 'silver' and hell notes. Nic joked that his 外公 is gonna be so rich that he can become a banker. haha...

Now we're just short of getting him his own private jet. hee...

五个星期过去了，我心里还是一片空白。很多事情要做，很多东西要处理，可是精神就是集中不来。晚上一直发些莫名其妙的梦，睡也睡不好，醒来后心情就很烦躁。

也许我真的该到海边去，把心里的愤怒、悲哀、郁闷一并发泄出来。我快压抑得喘不过气了！

He's a star!

This little devil was given an award for his consistent good work this year!

There's no examination for P1 kids in his school, so they were assessed through their daily class work, weekly spelling and ad hoc tests.

I've to say that this is solely his own effort that's paid off. I've not done any extra work with him. In fact, we did not even finish a quarter of those assessment books we bought. All I did was just check that he had finished him daily work and studied for his spelling. The rest was up to him. Felt a little guilty not doing anything for him. He really deserves a pat on his shoulder. We're proud of him.

Keep it up, Xiaobudian! Continue to persevere and keep up your desire for excellence. You've a long way to go! Love you.

缘

早上去巴刹，鱼贩JANE问妈妈心情好些了吗？谈话间，她说自己觉得很遗憾，没能到爸的灵堂上柱香。跟着她就跑去买了一些冥纸，托我帮她烧给爸。她说：＂。。我很早就没有父亲了，所以你爸爸给我一种很慈祥的感觉。。。唉，真的很心痛。。＂我只能以一声＂谢谢＂感激她对爸爸的厚爱。

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上星期，煤气店老板送煤气到大姐家，便问大姐，爸爸身体好些吗？当被告知爸已过世，他先是惊讶，转而惋惜。从二十出头的小伙子到现在五十多了，他认识我爸也三十多年了。所谓日久生情，也有了一定的＇感情＇吧。对老人家的离去，也有些许难过。

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一个认识了三十多年、一个认识不到三年。两人却同样对爸爸有着一种无法解释的＇情＇。也许这就是缘吧？

It's exactly a month already....

..and the pain is still so intense.

At that exact time last night, I was unable to fall asleep. I was silently sobbing in bed, not because of him, but something else. Suddenly I recalled, a month ago, that time, we were surrounding him, sending him off with so much pain and tears. And then the thing I was sad about became so insignificant, so minute, compared to our lost.

I stopped sobbing and told myself I've to be strong, because I've a father who'd been so strong and resilient all his life.

I love you, 爸爸.