Saturday 2 August 2008

emotions...

...sometimes just creeps up fm nowhere and overwhelms one.

was browsing some online fashion stores looking for suitable dress for niece's wedding in Dec. Suddenly a thot just creeped up fm nowhere. Will Dad be able to live up till her wedding??? Fear just engulfed me....

I know it's very negative of me to think this way. But I dunno. As much as I try to be positive and 'pray' that miracle will happen, I can't help but hv this fear that he'll not be with us for very long. Never hv I ever felt that my parents meant so much to me till this thing happened. I realise I am so afraid of losing them. I hate myself for not spending enough time with them. I hate myself for being so defiant when I was younger. I hate myself for being so helpless......

Just called Dad and spoke to him. 3rd sis drove them out for lunch at Changi V this afternoon. And he just had home cooked dinner. He sounded very cheerful. Made me recall what he said to me 2 days ago. He said, if he doesn't get cured, at least he knows he has tried but Heaven thinks his time is up. He'll just need to leave his final words on a couple of things, then his last wish is for a quick and easy end. He said he has no regrets and he is very happy to know that he has raised righteous and filial children and even grandchildren. He is at peace with life now and he will be ready when the time is up, although he is not giving up as yet.

As his daughter, it pains me to hear him say such things. But it's also relieving to know that he has come to terms with the whole thing. I'm not so sure about myself tho. As it is, I dun think I've come to terms with the whole issue and I'm not sure if I'll be calm enough to let him go when the time is here. I'm so scared.............

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi..I shared yr sentiments as my dad is also a 4th stage cancer patient..he has it 3 yrs ago..and we have been getting chemo treatment from NCC...From denial state till acceptance stage..and we realise how this disease changed our perspective towards life..So far, our chemo treatment is effective in deterring further growth of the tumour..but unlike the earlier treatment, it can no longer shrink the tumour. The oncology recommended us another drug..but it is too costly..and my dad did not want to spend more $$ to treat something that is incurable. And so now we are praying that the chemo continued to stop tumour growth..and if it does not, we hope the sickness will not cause too much pain and distress on him. I must say it is tougher for you since u are staying with yr parents..and u have to face it everyday. Meanwhile, learn to stay postive..every day is a cause to celebrate.

mummytay said...

Thanks anonymous! thanks for sharing and yr encouragement. Will remain positive as we've had positive news. Update later. All the best to yr dad and my dad.

Anonymous said...

Hi Carol

(I have forgotten to sign off in my earlier post..I m bebe from M4M)

Glad that there is good news for yr Dad..every visit to the oncologists after chemo session is like receiving yr exam result..whether u did well, or fail (ha ha ha)..our last visit was not good..but my dad is taking it with stride..at least no more chemo treatment..God seemed to have other plans for us..
As of right now, it is terminal stage but my dad looked healthy except for his botak head..I m scared to ask the doc..what happened at advanced stage. I hv witness how my maternal grandma suffered during her last few months ...This is something we have to prepare ourselves but at the same time we hate to do so..I can't share it in my blog as my dad reads my blog..My bro and sis are trying hard not to show..it is as if cancer has never invaded our lives before..the most worrisome part is my mum (dun think she is taking it well)
My dad made a few cancer patient friends during his earlier chemo..but he seemed to have outlived them..now I notice he hardly talked to other patients when he is at NCC..Anyway we do not need to go back to NCC soon..but I m still praying that NCC will call us and tell us "Hey, we have another new drug avail.." At least still got chance to go back to NCC to resit the exam..

Bebe