fear....

will be going to Nat'l Cancer Centre tomorrow morning with Dad. My mind is quite blank. It's filled with fear I think. Pray....I'm thinking. But pray to who? I've no faith in anything. Nothing can give me an answer to all the 'whys' I have in my mind.

The medical social worker spoke to me this morning and she had helped me email the oncologist whom we'll be seeing tomorrow. She explained our situation to him and asked for his assistance to break the news to Dad in the softest way possible. However, he turned down our request to keep from Dad the stage of the illness as it's against his professional ethics. He will hv to tell if Dad ask about it. Can understand his difficulties. He has to respect his patients and be 100% honest with them.

This afternoon was going through some photo albums with Mum. It's those photos taken early last year when Dad, bro, SIL, BIL and cousin went to Xiamen, China. For a moment I was in shock! Dad looked so different in the pictures! He was much fleshier and his cheeks were more chubby. I turned to look at Dad, sitting on his arm chair in singlet and his boxer. 我的心好酸.... he looked so frail, his skin so wrinkled and his cheeks all sunken. I feel so guilty. Why didn't I realise earlier that he's losing weight? Why didn't I realise earlier that he's becoming so frail? Why didn't I pay more attention on him? Why? why? why? why????

I am so afraid of losing him. I am so afraid of losing him. I am so afraid of losing him.............