Monday, 12 May 2008

why? why like that? why me?

why must things turn out like that? why must I always be the first one to receive such news and bear the brunt? why?

When I reached dad's ward this afternoon, he looked perfectly healthy, chatting 'intimately' with mum. That's such a rare sight, I told myself. Since the day I understand things, they've rarely spoken so nicely and softly to each other. Altho not at war with each other, they're always squabbling. I felt so warm and happy for them.

As usual, Dad 'reported' his routines today and told me enthusiastically about how fast the CT scan was done this afternoon. Then he passed a card to me and told me the nurse wants to speak to me. Went to the nursing station, but the station nurse/clinician was off duty and I was to call her tomorrow. Went back to chat and joke with dad and mum.

About an hour later, the senior doctor came for his round with 2 housemen. Felt quite puzzled when they 'skipped' dad and went on to the other patients in the same room. Later one of the houseman approached me and asked my relationship with dad. After clarifying that, he took me to the corridor outside the room. He broke the most devastating news....they've traced down dad's biopsy report and it showed cancerous cells in the lymph nodes on his neck! They suspect the cancer is in the tumor in his lung and had spread to his lymph nodes........

Now I know how it feels like. The feeling of yr heart being wrenched out of yr chest and you're left to bleed... And what's worst? I've to contain every pain within and cannot show a single sign of it on my face. Dad and mum were watching me as they spoke to me. any change on my face is gonna raise tons of questions fm them. No, I'm not ready to break the news to them. I dunno how to tell them, and I dunno how to handle what'll come next, and I cant handle both their emotions on my own. Especially for mum, she'll get hysterical and will definitely affect dad a lot. Got to break the news to her separately.... So much was rushing thru my brain while the doctor continued to explain what they've arranged with the cancer dept, sending a specialist over to look thru the reports, examine my dad and determine whether further test is needed and what's next.

I took a deep breath and walked towards dad. Smiled and told him that doctor said there's some abnormalities in his lymph nodes. So they're getting the tumor specialist to see him to determine what other tests is required to investigate further. I dunno what else to say, but just pretended there's nothing serious and continued to hide behind my magazine. But I sensed that his face sunk when I mentioned abnormalities. He's smart and he's never someone who lives in denial. So I'm quite sure he's sensed something but continued to remain silent. That pains me even more.

When we left, I walked thru 3 blocks to get the car while mum waited at the lobby. I couldn't control anymore and sobbed the whole way. Why must this happen to dad? Why this time? He just lost his cousin to cancer earlier this year, it's gonna be a blow to him. How is he gonna take it? I'm so scared. I'm so afraid. How to put it across to him? How? How? How?

Then it's mum. How to tell her? How to ask her to be strong for dad? Even when she had gall stones, it was like doom's day to her already. Now we're talking about cancer! How will she take it? How will she be able to remain strong for dad? How? How? How?

My mind is quite blank now. My siblings are coming over later and we're gonna 'discuss' about it. But what to say? what's there to say? I've texted them whatever I know fm the doctors already. What else can I say...........


tweetybird said...

Hi Carol,

Read your post on M4M forum. Just want u to know that I'm currently battling stage 3C ovarian cancer, receiving treatment at NCC. (it's been 4 years)

take heart ok, be strong for ur parents. They really need ur support. Find out as much as u can abt treatment available to ur dad, who his team of oncologists going to be, which hospital he's going to get treated, get in touch with support group available at the hospital, maybe even counselors, think abt alternative therapy like TCM if u like too. I know there are many questions and anxiety. Hang on k?


Rei said...

Hi there

I am sorry to hear about this. I am loss for words and am not good at consoling people. Be strong and take care. For cancer patients, it is important that the people around show strength and confidence.


mummytay said...

ladies, thank you for yr sharing and support. will thrive for my parents' sake.

Rachel said...

*hugs* You must be feeling that everything is falling on your shoulders, and yet you have to be strong. Hope all will be well in your family.