Should I be happy?

I'm 40 today. But I don't feel any happiness on this day. In fact I feel very empty. Nic snuggled into my bed this morning, jus as I was waking up, to give me a kiss and a "Happy Birthday"! He beat dh to it! haha.. He's such a sweet boy, tho he can be such a devil too!! hee...

Went to Nat'l Cancer Centre with Dad on Wed. As arranged, the oncologist told Dad his condition. What saddened me was that he also told Dad the stage and that the treatment is just to control the cancer cells and prolong his life only. Dad was extremely calm and quiet when told of all these. But Sis and I were quite upset and confused at the same time. The doc also explained the procedure of the chemotherapy to us. Dad simply said ok to the treatment, no questions asked. Now everything's been arranged. Dad will do another CT scan on 30 Jun, see the oncologist again on 1 Jul and start his chemotherapy on 2 Jul. They will be using just one medicine on a 28-day cycle for him. Which means he'll have one injection on day 1 (2 Jul), another at day 8 (9 Jul) and a third on day 15 (16 Jul). After that he'll rest for 2 weeks and back to see the oncologist again on day 28 (29 Jul). If all is well, he'll start another cycle as above. At the end of 2 cycles, they'll do another CT scan to check on the progress and determine whether to carry on with the same drug or to change.

When we stepped out of the oncologist's room, the first thing Dad said was: "Don't tell your mum. She'll get all upset and worried unnecessarily." We tried to comfort Dad but instead he told us not to worry, he's fine. He said: "I'm ok, don't worry. Doctors always exaggerate the condition just so that we will be compelled to return for the treatments. I'll be fine la." I was not sure if Dad was really so calm and positive about it, or he's just putting up a front for us. But I know for sure, Dad is not someone who'll cry his sorrows out. He's really a traditional Chinese man who'll never shed a tear in front of anyone.

Anyway, the last 2 days he's still as per normal. Eating normally, sleeping normally. He's very careful not to discuss anything about his condition when Mum is around. That shows how much he loves and cares about her. I tried convincing him to do a trip to his hometown Putian in Fujian, China, but he refused. He said no point going now since he's not feeling well and cant move around for long periods, he'll go next year when he's recovered. Then I tried coaxing him about the China trip again yesterday and he told me this: "我知道你想什么.我没担心,你们也不需要担心.等明年我身体好些我们再回去(中国).如果真的有什么,也是没法子的事,不要太在意..."!!?? sigh...this sets me thinking whether he understood exactly what the oncologist told him? or he's really very positive and gonna fight and win a good battle? I pray, I wish, I hope it's the latter.

Anyway, Dad, I'm so proud of you. We've definitely under-estimated your strength. I will try my best to remain strong and support you in whatever way you may need. And most importantly, I want you to know that I LOVE YOU, ever so deeply.....